That’s What Love Does

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Six days later, Jesus took with him Peter and James and his brother John and led them up a high mountain, by themselves. 2 And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became bright as light. —Matthew 17:1,2 (NRSVUE)

Come with me and imagine being one of the disciples hiking up the mountain with Jesus. We get to the summit, and Jesus is transfigured–face shining, clothes as white as the light. Moses and Elijah appear.  Then, to top it all off, a bright cloud covers us, and a voice from the cloud says, “This is my Son, the Beloved; with him, I am well pleased; listen to him!”

For days and weeks afterwards, we play it over in our minds and whisper about it in secret. We can still feel the wonder and awe. We still can’t believe what we heard God say. Moses received the ten commandments on a mountain. We received a declaration of love. What was it like for Jesus to hear such loving affirmation from his father? What would it be like to hear those affirming words said about us?

Weeks later, Jesus starts talking about being a vine and that his father is the gardener. He talks of pruning and abiding. Then he says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” 

As the words sink in, we’re taken back to the mountain where Jesus was transfigured. We can hardly believe it. We are God’s beloved. God is pleased with us.

What goes on for you as you hear your belovedness boldly declared by God? Do you find yourself soaking it in or brushing it off?

Take a moment now and notice how you respond to God’s declaration: You are my beloved child. I am pleased with you.”

What thoughts go through your mind?

I can imagine Jesus meeting each of us where we are.

The one who welcomes this love may hear Jesus’s words: “the one who seeks finds.”

To the one who is afraid, who has opened to love and been abandoned, he says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

He turns to the one who knows this already and invites them to explore the height, breadth and depth of God’s love.

He meets the one who thinks they don’t deserve this love with a prodigal embrace.

To the one who has received much and more love is given, for it is God’s nature to love and keep on loving. 

Whichever one you are, I invite you to embrace your belovedness. Listen for God to tell you this again and again and again. For God is love, and that’s what love does. 

Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountaintop? It’s important because it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you “my beloved daughter,” “my beloved son,” “my beloved child.” –Henri Nouwen

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Love Mischief for the World

Every day God is telling you, “You are my beloved child; in you I am well pleased.”

A Daily Lenten Prayer Practice

  • Take a moment and ask God to bring to mind a moment in the last twenty-four hours in which you felt loved. What did you enjoy about that moment? Express your gratitude to God.
  • Now, take a moment and ask God to bring to mind a moment in which it was hard to believe you were loved. Share what happened and what you felt with God. What do you notice as you allow God to reassure you of your belovedness?
  • Finally, ask God to bring to mind a moment in which you participated in loving.
  • End your time of prayer by asking God for the grace you need to give and receive love in specific situations tomorrow.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Transfiguration by Theophanes the Greek, 15th century.
“I love my father” by Yvette T. Used with permission
“The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Rembrandt [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Lent, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Love Is Found Here

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

For love and freedom are only found when one enjoys each note as it arises,
then allows it to go, so as to be fully receptive in the notes that follow.
–Anthony de Mello, Stop Fixing Yourself, 130.

Each note–
this lovely one,
that discordant one,
the next noticing the judgment of notes,
and the next observing the judgment.

Love is found here;
freedom is found here–
not in the note
but under it,
in You with me
experiencing each note,
remaining here 
as one moment comes and leaves
and the next one arrives.

Help me welcome what is
before me
and within me.

Let me not run from the love
which You offer
as I open to
disappointment,
disorder
or delight.

Let me hear the tune
my life
is playing. 

May I love more.
May I be more present with the ones I love.
May I lift up the moment before me with tender hands
and an awake and available heart.
—Sarah Blondin

∗ ∗ ∗ 

Love Mischief for the World

“Most people don’t live aware lives. They live mechanical lives, mechanical thoughts—generally somebody else’s—mechanical emotions, mechanical reactions. As you begin to understand this, you stop making demands on yourself, you stop having expectations of yourself, you stop pushing yourself, and you begin to understand yourself,” said Tony de Mello. His words were recorded in a chapter called “Come Home to Yourself” in the book Stop Fixing Yourself (p.67). Anthony de Mello (4 September 1931 – 2 June 1987), was an Indian Jesuit priest,  psychotherapist and well-known speaker and retreat leader. Tony believed and taught that happiness is our natural state and awareness helps us return to it.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Zurich Moments” by Ivan Rigamonti.Used with permission.
Poem “Love Is Found Here” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Moments” by Dr. Wendy Longo/. Used with permission.
The sentence “Let me not run from the love which You offer.” is from The Soul of Christ Prayer paraphrased by David Fleming
Quote by Sarah Blondin from the meditation “I Am Here. I Am Home” on Insight Timer. 
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com

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If I Believed That

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

On that day you will realize that I am in my Father,
and you are in me, and I am in you.
— John 14:20 (NIV)

What if
that day was today,
and today, I woke up and realized
this is true?

What if
God isn’t hiding behind
church doors,
my best behaviour,
or someone else’s approval.

Love isn’t reserved
for sunset moments
or dreams coming true.

Grace isn’t limited
to repentant hearts,
enlightened moments,
or when we’re at the end of our rope.

What if it’s true that
God is everywhere
intentionally
on purpose
creating,
loving,
nurturing
all of us
all the time?

What if
being inside God
means we can’t be
outside God

and at every moment
of every day,
we are still there–
sleeping in Love’s arms
waking up to Love’s gaze
walking around in Love’s body
and so is everyone else?

Maybe we don’t see it
because we’re looking
for life to be a certain way
as if we know how it should be.

What if
we admitted that we don’t.

What if
we stopped assuming
that life is a journey
to get to the place
where God is finally happy with us
and we’ve finally become
a nicer version of ourselves?

What if
we believed
that God is here
enjoying us
right now?

What if
we saw
everything around us
as gift
from a God smitten with us
just as we are?

What if
the air around us is how
God embraces us on the outside
and each breath we take is
God embracing us on the inside?

What if everything we see, hear, touch, taste and smell
is Love incarnate

and so are we?

If I believed that,
well,
it would certainly change
how I treat myself,
how I treat everything
and everyone.

If I believed that
I think I would
smile more.

We are all on a journey of love into a deeper discovery of God who dwells in every moment and every experience of our life. Finding God in all things and all things in God is a contemplative experience. It isn’t a one-off experience; God dwells in us and we dwell in God. —Sister Anne Arabome 

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Love Mischief for the World

Sister Anne Arabome has been doing a lot of love mischief with God in the world. I especially appreciate how she makes the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises more accessible for women who struggle to relate to Ignatius, a military man who lived in the sixteenth century, and the language he used. Sister Anne sees the heart of what Ignatius offers us. She helps us learn what it means to listen to and honour our stories. She hears Ignatius inviting us to find God in our lives and find ourselves in God, where we are free to receive love and offer love in our unique ways.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References: “Joy Is Measurable” by Funkybug. Used with permission.
Poem “If I Believed That” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Cat-Bliss” by Etolane. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Waking Up to What’s True

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

I wrote the number 2 on the whiteboard on our fridge.

For two days, I have not eaten after supper. I feel hopeful that tomorrow I will write a three and the next day a four.

In 2020, I worked so hard to lose the weight that was endangering my health and limiting my joy. But for a while now, I’ve fallen back into the habit of snacking in the evening. During the summer, I was so active, I didn’t gain weight very quickly. That changed in the fall when rainy days and a full schedule returned.

For weeks, I would say to myself, “Today’s the day.” But when evening came, there was always a good reason to have some crackers and hummus and then a handful of nuts.

Finally, when the scale reported I’d gained back a third of the weight I’d lost, determination met grace and Day One arrived.

I want to live in a world where I can eat what I want, when I want and as much as I want and maintain my ideal weight. But that place doesn’t exist.

You’d think I’d be able to stop living in an illusion once I’ve woken up and named it for what it is. But I can be lulled back to sleep so easily. The voice in my head gets a lot of mileage out of the simple statement: It’s not that bad.

This statement is powerful because, really, most of our bad habits don’t have disastrous results in the short term. The world won’t come to an end if I eat a bag of chips or leave my dirty dishes on the counter. I don’t want to catastrophize or become hypervigilant.

And yet, when I minimize, excuse or defend a hurtful behaviour, I continue to hurt myself, others and the earth bit by bit.

This is what I need to remember to stay awake, so tomorrow I can write a 3 on my fridge.

Awake, my soul!
–Psalm 57:8 (NIV)

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Love Mischief for the World

“The world is dark and light is precious.
Come closer, dear reader.
You must trust me. I am telling you a story.”
–Kate DiCamillo

Recently, a friend introduced me to Kate DiCamillo‘s writing with these words, “Fully aware, characters in these stories face what the world brings them–abandonment, loss, disappointment, danger, cruelty, rejection….  They experience the full effect of darkness in family, friends, strangers, and in themselves. Fully engaged, the characters encounter the light in the world as well.  The precious moments of love and hospitality, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, truth-telling, bravery, tears, laughter….  You’ve got to read Kate DiCamillo’s children’s books!  Her person and literary skill name all the hard questions of what it means to be human and engage the reality of something so precious in the midst of the hardness of it all.” I was so inspired by my friend’s endorsement that over the Christmas break, I listened to these books on Libby: Flora and Ulysses, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, The Tale of Despereaux, and The Beatryce Prophesy. I thoroughly enjoyed them and thought you might too.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Images of numbers from https://freesvg.org/
Banner of Sunrise by Susanne Nilsson . Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Before the Miracle

Posted on January 20, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

I close my eyes, enter into my imagination, 
and arrive at the wedding in Cana.

I take it all in–
joyful chatter
olives and garlicky hummus
dangling earrings and earnest faces
freshly baked bread and wafts of perfume
the earthen goblet in my hand.

Who am I in this story?

Not the mother who expresses a need and gets her wish.
Not the servants who are given a job and are the first to know.
Not the surprised master,
Or the relieved groom.

When my prayer time’s over,
I still don’t know.

The next morning, 
I close my eyes to pray and return to the wedding.
Eventually, I find myself at the point in the story
when all the wine’s gone. 
I’m sitting alone 
with an empty cup in my hand.

I see myself stuck there
in that airless,
endless moment
before the miracle.

Life’s 
no longer water
and not yet wine.

Where are You? 

Sadness wells up, catches in my throat.
I breathe slowly
and wait.

I’m right here, You say. 

I’m
right
here.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
—Psalm 139:7-8 (NIV)

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Love Mischief for the World

Coming Home:
Turning Toward and Lingering in Love’s Embrace 
A Silent Ignatian Lenten Retreat

Join spiritual directors Jan Evans and Esther Hizsa for a silent, guided prayer retreat opening to the desire to encounter God personally and live and grow in freedom using Ignatian prayer practices such as Lectio Divina, Gospel Contemplation (Praying with your imagination) and Prayer of Examen.

March 24-26, 2023  Online

TIME: Friday, 6pm PT (9 pm ET) to Sunday, noon PT (3 pm ET)

Register here.

“Surrendering to love leads to an unexpected place,
where yieldedness to God frees us to become who God created us to be.”
— David Benner

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
The Wedding at Cana by Frans Francken the Younger, c. 1618–20, Nationalmuseum, Stockholmr, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Poem “Before the Miracle” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
Water into Wine, Saint James the Greater Catholic Church (Concord, North Carolina) Author: Nheyob, Wikimedia Commons
Return of the Prodigal Son, Rembrandt Harmensz van Rijn – Public Domain
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Let God Love You

Posted on January 13, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

“You can always come home to God, and God can always be found wherever you are, right at the centre of your soul.” I heard Danielle Shroyer say in this podcast while I was making dinner one evening. “The purpose of religion is to rediscover our wholeness. The Bible says, ‘We have come to know and trust the love God has for us.’ That’s the heart of our wholeness. So I want us to take a moment to receive it.

“Take a deep breath. Let your eyes close and, just for a few moments, do one simple thing: Let… God… love you,” Danielle said.

“Yes. Just let me love you,” I heard God echo Danielle’s words in my heart. “I’m right here with you.”

I’d been feeling unsettled for days, and God knew it. The constant rain, the long to-do list with deadlines inching closer, and the recurring sense that something was wrong were dragging me down.

For days, I was stuck in a loop. I kept trying to figure out what would make me happier. Then I’d remind myself that I don’t need anything to make me happy. But then I still wasn’t happy and began the cycle all over again.

I continued to chop vegetables, listen to the podcast and think about letting God love me. I remembered that my first spiritual director invited me to “pray in the cracks” –to pause in my day to let God love me. 

I remembered hearing that feelings are like waves in the ocean. I’m not the waves; I’m in the ocean of God. Waves come and go. What if I don’t need to still the waves to find peace?

The next morning, I woke to the familiar waves of dissatisfaction. I made coffee and sat in the silence with God and God’s invitation. With each in-breath, I imagined God saying, “I love you,” and with the out-breath, I responded, “I love you too.” I waited in the silence and allowed myself to sink below the waves and into the core of my being, into the reality of my oneness with God. After a while, I felt myself relax there.

As I ended my time of prayer, I let go of the desire for the waves to be still and for joy to return. Instead, I set an intention to simply let God love me in that moment and the next, no matter what I was doing.

As I named this intention, I felt something soften in me. I sensed an affirmation from God that this was all I was being asked to do and it brought God great joy.

We have come to know and trust the love that God has for us.
–1 John 4:16 (CJB)

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Love Mischief for the World

Recently, I’ve been introduced to a practice Fr. Thomas Keating taught called Guard of the Heart. It compliments both Centering Prayer and Welcoming Prayer. Centering Prayer invites us to be still in God and rest there, unhooked from our false self programs for happiness. Welcoming Prayer invites us to recognize and allow the feelings that arise that reveal the unhelpful programs that are active in our lives. Guard of the Heart helps us notice moments in our day when we have turned our attention away from God’s presence. We are encouraged to use a simple action to bring us back home to God and let God love us in that moment, no matter what we’re feeling, thinking or doing. For me, that simple action is taking a deep breath and listening inward for Jesus’ voice and hearing, “I’m right here.”

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Birds on a Rainy Day” by Macomb Paynes. Used with permission.
“Hummingbird Warrior” by Macomb Paynes. Used with permission.
“Heart Angel” by Hamed Al-Raisi. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com

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Arrows

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

“Have you had lunch yet?” I asked Fred, hoping he hadn’t eaten the leftover spaghetti.

“Yes. I ate the spaghetti,” he said. “It was good.”

Argh! Now I’d need to figure out something else to make for dinner. One more thing to do on top of all the extra work I’ve had to do because Fred’s been sick with a stomach bug.

Notice. I reminded myself, remembering the podcasts I’d listened to recently. Notice what you feel. Notice what you’re saying to yourself. 

I noticed how Fred’s action upset me and made my life more difficult. This awareness helped me move from being trapped inside my feelings and reactivity to observing them. I continued to observe and noticed how much I focused on myself. I noticed the “me” and “my” in my internal dialogue.

Another observation came into my periphery. Fred felt well enough to eat the spaghetti. That led me to consider what the last few days were like for him. Sure, I had to do some of the housework he was supposed to do before our next house exchange but that was more pleasant than being sick. I felt compassion for Fred and was grateful that he was eating again.

I noticed something else coming into my awareness. Judgment. I can be so selfish, so focused on my needs, so concerned with fairness, so petty, and so fixed in my ways… Ah yes. The second arrow.

The first arrow came when something I didn’t like happened to me. That arrow, Tara Brach says, is unavoidable. But we don’t have to accept the second arrow, the arrow of self-judgment. It isn’t helpful and doesn’t lead to transformation.

So I turned away from the critical narrative and offered myself compassion and curiosity. Of course, you felt disappointed. This is more than you hoped you would have to do. What were you hoping for?

I was hoping Fred would have fixed himself something else for lunch so I wouldn’t have to make dinner again. I already had food for myself. He just needed something he could eat. Then I realized I could just ask him if he could do that.

Of course, he could and did since he was feeling better.

But that isn’t the end of the story. I noticed more. I noticed that my view widened and compassion came as I stayed present with my initial reaction and offered myself compassion and curiosity. For so long, I’ve judged myself for reacting selfishly. But isn’t that the way we’re wired to survive? And isn’t it wonderful to discover that we don’t have to stay there?

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others,
you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
–Matthew 7:1-2 (NIV)

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Love Mischief for the World

My blog post today was inspired by this podcast by Tara Brach The Wise Heart of Radical Acceptance. She talks about the arrows at 12:18. What I heard from Tara was echoed in a Hints of Gladness podcast called You’re Okay: Stop Trying to Fix Yourself. In this podcast, my friend Rod Janz interviews Don Joseph Goewey who just published a book he edited called Stop Fixing Yourself by Anthony de Mello. 

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Arrows” by Hans Splinter. Used with permission. 
“Open Gate” by Tym. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Count Yourself In

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Esther Hizsa

The gull stood on a rock in the sea.
Ferry wash struck the rock
and drenched her.

She shifted her stance
but remained,
webbed feet on cold mount,
as another wave splashed over her,
then, another,
and another.

Why does she keep standing there?

The next moment, she
swam away
as if the waves
were skipping rope, Double Dutch,
and she
was counting herself in.

That’s how You spoke to me
as I drank my tea
safe and warm inside the cottage
cold and wet inside my heart.

Count yourself in, You said.
Swim.
Fly.
Waves come
and waves go.
Feel the rhythm.
Hear the rhyme:
Count yourself in.
Count yourself in.
Count yourself in.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
–Galatians 5:1

∗ ∗ ∗

A New Year’s Reflection

Take a few moments and be with the words and images in today’s blog post.

  • As you look back over the past year, what have been cold waves in your life?
  • Imagine God with you, feeling what you feel, understanding and compassionate. How does God want to console you?
  • As you look ahead to the new year, what feels overwhelming? From what would you like to flee? Share this with God.
  • Now with God as a firm rock under your feet, turn to face your life as it is.
  • What do you need from God to “count yourself in”?
Credits and References:
Seagulls “0139362”, “0075321” and “0075172” by Alan Harper. Used with permission.
Poem “Count Yourself In” by Esther Hizsa, 2022
.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2022.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Turn to Wonder

Posted on December 23, 2022 by Esther Hizsa

“I have wonderful news:
the Hoped-for-One,
the Birthing you’ve longed for
in the depths of your soul,
has come, oh yes, has come!”
— Joyce Rupp

Really?
I can’t see it happening.
I long to be birthed
into long stretches of unrattled moments,
moments of ease
and wholeness
untinged with disappointment.

Will Your coming
calm the sea of my life
free me from my paralyzing thoughts
satisfy my hunger?
This wafer is so small,
this wine, only a sip.

What do you hear in the depths of your soul, My love?
There is a deeper longing.
Listen.

Then I saw it
and felt you nod and smile.
The gift of Emmanuel–
God with us.

You are with me
in every passing moment
holding my hand
opening my eyes
to see in each rattling
the seed of a miracle.

What is being birthed
is the freedom to choose
to turn away
or turn to wonder.

When the going gets rough, turn to wonder.
–Parker J. Palmer, Circles of Trust

Credits and References:
“Angel and Shepherds” by Howard Stanbury. Detail from stained glass in the chancel window, St Mary, Adderbury NEX-3 and Minolta Rokkor 135mm f/2.8
Joyce Rupp quote from “Keeping Watch in the Night” in Out of the Ordinary
Poem “Turn to Wonder” by Esther Hizsa, 2022.
“Nativity Scene” by Berit Watkin. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2022.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2022.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Advent 4: Silence

Posted on December 16, 2022 by Esther Hizsa

As I began my four-day retreat last week, I became aware of how uncomfortable I was with the silence–especially in the evening when it was dark, and I couldn’t go for walk or gaze at the sea. I wanted something to occupy my mind so my mind didn’t occupy me with endless rabbit trails of thought or, worse still, unkind thoughts that won’t go away.

On the morning of the last day of my retreat, I prayed with the gospel narrative of the healing at the pool. Even though I entered into this miraculous story, I got caught by how it ended. Jesus told the man, “Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t imagine Jesus saying this kindly.

I ruminated about it as I walked the hilly roads on Bowen Island and as I sipped tea and looked out at the ocean.

I know that when we pray with our imaginations, what unfolds doesn’t have to follow the gospel story. God meets us in our story. I also know that if we encounter a Jesus who is harsh, it’s likely a false image of him. I remembered, too, what Father Richard Soo said to those praying the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises. He said, “When the Holy Spirit convicts me of sin, I feel loved. If I feel condemned, that’s another voice, not God’s.”

I knew all this, and yet, I couldn’t shake the belief these words were meant for me–that God was tired of my neediness. It was the Bible, after all. And this was what the Bible was saying to me.

Finally, in the long dark evening, I told God, “I can’t stop sinning.” My eyes filled with tears.

Then, I said, “If these words are not for me, let me hear your words, your voice. Tell me what’s true.”

As I waited in the silence, a scene came to my mind from Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

Woo Young Woo is a twenty-seven-year-old lawyer with autism. In the first episode, she meets Lee Jun-ho, who works in the law firm’s litigation department. He’s smitten with her. In Episode 11, Attorney Woo recognizes she has feelings for Jun-ho and keeps looking at him through the window in her office. And this is what happens.

As I recalled the scene, I sensed God reaching out to me and loving me just as I am. Tears flowed. I felt known and deeply loved. I soaked in that love for a good long time. The dark empty evening that had seemed so challenging now provided the spaciousness to enjoy this exquisite moment.

Silence was not a barrier that kept me from God but a window of encounter. And what a lovely encounter that was.

Silence is a window to the soul, and the soul is a window to God.  
—Fr. Christopher Jamison, Worth Abbey, UK 

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Advent 4 Reflection

Take a few moments to be with the words and images in today’s blog post.

  • What draws you or disturbs you as you wait in silence with God?
  • What thoughts, feelings and felt senses arise as you welcome or resist this awareness?
  • Imagine God listening and feeling what you feel. What do you sense God offering you in this moment?
  • As we wait in Advent for the coming of Christ, we sing, “O come, o come, Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel. That mourns in lowly exile here until the Son of God appears.” May Christ find you in the exiled places of your life and bring you home to God’s heart.

Credits and References:
“Silence” by frank_hb. Used with permission. 
“Starry Sky Stock” by Parée. Used with permission. 
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2022.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2022.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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