What I Heard Before Falling Asleep

On the day
my sister ended a Zoom call
with a heartfelt “I love you,”

a directee dried her eyes
and said, “Thank you,”

the warm embrace of a friend
still lingered in my body,

the rain stopped long enough
for me to go for a walk,

Fred picked up my photocopies
and made dinner,

and an email made me smile,

I got into bed 
and, in that undefended moment 
before falling asleep,
an ache whispered
“Would anyone fall in love
with me?”

Then it went to sleep
as if it had said nothing 
at all. 

But I heard it,

and I wait 
to hear it again 
and again
until that ache
doesn’t ache
anymore. 

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of all my fears;
You bless me with oil
and my cup overflows
.
–Psalm 23:5
Paraphrased by Nan C. Merrill,
Psalms for Praying: An Invitation to Wholeness

∗ ∗ ∗

A Lenten Pause

As we continue a Lenten practice of claiming our belovedness, we create a safe place for our fears to be heard. An ache that is very old and very young may speak. It allows us to listen and sit with it for a while until that old/young part of ourselves knows it will be okay.

An ache may say, “I’m not good enough,” or, “Everything I touch, I ruin,” or, “I’m not that important,” or well, you fill in the blank. We (God and I) don’t have to agree with what my fear is saying; we simply need to hear it and let that old/young part of ourselves be loved and thank it for being brave enough to speak.

Credits and References:
Red Squirrel_7674 by Robert Taylor Used with permission.
“Sittin’ in the mornin’ sun, I’ll be sittin’ when the evenin’ comes” (Red Squirrel) by  Joachim Dobler. Used with permission.”
The poem “What I Heard Before Falling Asleep” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“Time” by Cale Woodley. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Lent, Poetry, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Blessing for When You’re in the Wilderness

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
Matthew 4:1 (NIV)

On the day the Spirit
leads you
into the wilderness,
may you know
it was a Friend
that led you there
and that Friend
hasn’t left your side
for a minute.

On the day,
you would turn those stones
into bread, if you could–
raise the dead,
open blind eyes,
wake up the world,
lift the dark,
end the war–
and you are tempted to despair,
may those stones become
a seat,
a pillow,
an altar.

On the day,
you are visited by
your irrelevance,
aloneness,
powerlessness,
limitations
or longings,
may you be ministered to
by angels.

God, you are my God. I am searching so hard to find you.
Body and soul, I thirst for you in this dry and weary land without water.

Psalm 63:1 (ERV)

∗ ∗ ∗

A Lenten Pause

Every day God is telling us, “You are my beloved child; in you, I am well pleased.” During this season of Lent, I invite you to join me in receiving our belovedness through this Daily Prayer Practice.

“Where is your wilderness?” Bishop John Stephens asked us when he visited St. Stephens on the first Sunday of Lent. We are called beloved and led into a wilderness in which we are hungry, alone and tempted to find an easy way out. Where is your wilderness? How is God loving you there? What “angels” have ministered and encouraged you?

Credits and References:
The Temptation in the Wilderness by Briton Rivière (1898), Public Domain
Poem “A Blessing for When You’re in the Wilderness” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Angel” Mt Hope Cemetery in Rochester, NY by Aaron Schock. Used with permission.
“Time” by Cale Woodley. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Lent, Poetry, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Redeemed

“I need your help,” I said to Fred who was barely awake. “I made a big mistake.”

I drew back the curtains to let in the light. “You know that highchair at the church that I thought was too old and not worth fixing. I got Rick to put it in the dumpster. I just reread the email from the manufacturer. If the armrest isn’t the correct length, they will replace it. Now I need to get the highchair out before the dumpster gets emptied.”

“I’ll go after breakfast,” my hero said.

While I offered spiritual direction, Fred retrieved the highchair. He checked it over. It was still intact and the part in question did not need replacing. I could clean it up and return it to the church where it was needed by a mom who helps out with our Community Meal.

How did all this happen? The details are not that interesting. In summary, I didn’t take into account the needs of the mom. I didn’t slow down and read the email properly. I made the decision alone. It wasn’t until after I disposed of the highchair that I learned how useful and valuable it was. A new one could have cost the church $300.

So I was quite relieved when I got the good news from Fred. All day long, I felt myself smile whenever I thought about it. Sure, I made a number of mistakes and learned a lot in the process. But I have been redeemed.

And that’s a wonderful feeling.

The Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant
and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self.
God loves us, not because of what we do or accomplish,
but because God has created and redeemed us in love.
–Henri Nouwen

∗ ∗ ∗

A Lenten Pause

During this season of Lent, I have invited you to join me in a daily practice of receiving our belovedness. In the story I shared today, I named a number of mistakes I made. When we make mistakes, it can be hard to believe God is still pleased with us. Beloved, yes. Pleased, maybe not. As you enter into prayer today, think about a recent mistake. Share that moment with God and see how our loving God responds. The story of the Transfiguration reminds us that we are God’s beloved and God is pleased with us. Ash Wednesday reminds us that we are dust and, to dust we shall return. We are both loved and limited.

By the way, there are still spaces left in Coming Home, the silent weekend retreat I am co-facilitating online on March 24-26. What does your heart say?

.

Credits and References:
“Dumpster” by Bruce Fingerhood. Used with permission.
“Jump for Joy” by donds. Used with permission.
“Time” by Cale Woodley. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Lent, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Journey of Friendship

Recently, a friend let me know they were upset. As I listened, I learned how upset they were and that it was partly because of something I didn’t do.

I was grateful that they told me. It was hard for them to speak up; afterward, they felt better. But I was at a loss when I heard they felt hurt because I didn’t fulfill an unnamed expectation. That’s not on me. Their deep hurt was part of their own story of disappointments and attachments. But, of course, after someone has shared so vulnerably, it’s not the time to tell them this. Yet, I wasn’t about to pick up the blame for what wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t.

My friend wanted me to be something I wasn’t. I wanted them to release me from their unreasonable expectations and take responsibility for their own feelings. 

I felt stuck and frustrated.

Eventually, I realized that I needed to take responsibility for my feelings. I was disappointed that I’d been blamed. I was frustrated that I couldn’t make another person see what I saw. I began to recognize my own story of expectations and disappointment, as well as the attachment to others thinking well of me.

As I sat in the calmness of the morning many days later, I wondered what it would be like to let go. What would it be like to allow my friend to hold onto their beliefs as long as they needed to? What would it be like to stand firmly in what I know and accept that another can’t agree?

Letting go of the need to defend myself made room for compassion. I began to feel compassion for my friend and for myself. I could trust that God was at work in both our lives and that this is part of the journey of friendship.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
–Proverbs 17:17 (NIV)

∗ ∗ ∗

A Lenten Pause

Every day God is telling us, “You are my beloved child; in you I am well pleased.”

During this season of Lent, I invite you to join me in receiving our belovedness through this Daily Prayer Practice.

Allowing ourselves to receive God’s love takes time and patience. Fear that it isn’t true can cause our bodies to tense up and limit rational thought. When something happens that confirms the fear that we’re not enough, we may feel a clenching in our chest or gut. But in the same way that it’s hard for an adamant child to keep her fist clenched for long, in the space of a few minutes, our bodies begin to relax. Fear comes and goes (unless our thoughts ramp them up again). We gain a broader perspective as we allow our feelings to settle.

Ruth Haley Barton used the illustration of pond water in a jar to explain this. Shake it up and you can’t see a thing. But over time, as the particles settle, the water becomes clear. Over time, we recall details we didn’t notice at first and gain clarity. The gift of time and patience opens us to hear God’s still, small voice from within.

Credits and References:
“Best friends” by Ian Sane. Used with permission.
“Friends” by Clint Budd. Used with permission.
“Time” by Cale Woodley. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Lent, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

That’s What Love Does

Six days later, Jesus took with him Peter and James and his brother John and led them up a high mountain, by themselves. And he was transfigured before them, and his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became bright as light.Matthew 17:1,2 (NRSVUE)

Come with me and imagine being one of the disciples hiking up the mountain with Jesus. We get to the summit, and Jesus is transfigured–face shining, clothes as white as the light. Moses and Elijah appear.  Then, to top it all off, a bright cloud covers us, and a voice from the cloud says, “This is my Son, the Beloved; with him, I am well pleased; listen to him!

For days and weeks afterwards, we play it over in our minds and whisper about it in secret. We can still feel the wonder and awe. We still can’t believe what we heard God say. Moses received the ten commandments on a mountain. We received a declaration of love. What was it like for Jesus to hear such loving affirmation from his father? What would it be like to hear those affirming words said about us?

Weeks later, Jesus starts talking about being a vine and that his father is the gardener. He talks of pruning and abiding. Then he says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” 

As the words sink in, we’re taken back to the mountain where Jesus was transfigured. We can hardly believe it. We are God’s beloved. God is pleased with us.

What goes on for you as you hear your belovedness boldly declared by God? Do you find yourself soaking it in or brushing it off?

Take a moment now and notice how you respond to God’s declaration: You are my beloved child. I am pleased with you.”

What thoughts go through your mind?

I can imagine Jesus meeting each of us where we are.

The one who welcomes this love may hear Jesus’s words: “the one who seeks finds.”

To the one who is afraid, who has opened to love and been abandoned, he says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

He turns to the one who knows this already and invites them to explore the height, breadth and depth of God’s love.

He meets the one who thinks they don’t deserve this love with a prodigal embrace.

To the one who has received much and more love is given, for it is God’s nature to love and keep on loving. 

Whichever one you are, I invite you to embrace your belovedness. Listen for God to tell you this again and again and again. For God is love, and that’s what love does. 

Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountaintop? It’s important because it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you “my beloved daughter,” “my beloved son,” “my beloved child.” –Henri Nouwen

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Every day God is telling you, “You are my beloved child; in you I am well pleased.”

A Daily Lenten Prayer Practice

  • Take a moment and ask God to bring to mind a moment in the last twenty-four hours in which you felt loved. What did you enjoy about that moment? Express your gratitude to God.
  • Now, take a moment and ask God to bring to mind a moment in which it was hard to believe you were loved. Share what happened and what you felt with God. What do you notice as you allow God to reassure you of your belovedness?
  • Finally, ask God to bring to mind a moment in which you participated in loving.
  • End your time of prayer by asking God for the grace you need to give and receive love in specific situations tomorrow.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Transfiguration by Theophanes the Greek, 15th century.
“I love my father” by Yvette T. Used with permission
“The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Rembrandt [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Lent, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Love Is Found Here

For love and freedom are only found when one enjoys each note as it arises,
then allows it to go, so as to be fully receptive in the notes that follow.

–Anthony de Mello, Stop Fixing Yourself, 130.

Each note–
this lovely one,
that discordant one,
the next noticing the judgment of notes,
and the next observing the judgment.

Love is found here;
freedom is found here–
not in the note
but under it,
in You with me
experiencing each note,
remaining here 
as one moment comes and leaves
and the next one arrives.

Help me welcome what is
before me
and within me.

Let me not run from the love
which You offer
as I open to
disappointment,
disorder
or delight.

Let me hear the tune
my life
is playing. 

May I love more.
May I be more present with the ones I love.
May I lift up the moment before me with tender hands
and an awake and available heart.
Sarah Blondin

∗ ∗ ∗ 

Love Mischief for the World

Most people don’t live aware lives. They live mechanical lives, mechanical thoughts—generally somebody else’s—mechanical emotions, mechanical reactions. As you begin to understand this, you stop making demands on yourself, you stop having expectations of yourself, you stop pushing yourself, and you begin to understand yourself,” said Tony de Mello. His words were recorded in a chapter called “Come Home to Yourself” in the book Stop Fixing Yourself (p.67). Anthony de Mello (4 September 1931 – 2 June 1987), was an Indian Jesuit priest,  psychotherapist and well-known speaker and retreat leader. Tony believed and taught that happiness is our natural state and awareness helps us return to it.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Zurich Moments” by Ivan Rigamonti.Used with permission.
Poem “Love Is Found Here” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Moments” by Dr. Wendy Longo/. Used with permission.
The sentence “Let me not run from the love which You offer.” is from The Soul of Christ Prayer paraphrased by David Fleming
Quote by Sarah Blondin from the meditation “I Am Here. I Am Home” on Insight Timer. 
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com

Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If I Believed That

On that day you will realize that I am in my Father,
and you are in me, and I am in you.
John 14:20 (NIV)

What if
that day was today,
and today, I woke up and realized
this is true?

What if
God isn’t hiding behind
church doors,
my best behaviour,
or someone else’s approval.

Love isn’t reserved
for sunset moments
or dreams coming true.

Grace isn’t limited
to repentant hearts,
enlightened moments,
or when we’re at the end of our rope.

What if it’s true that
God is everywhere
intentionally
on purpose
creating,
loving,
nurturing
all of us
all the time?

What if
being inside God
means we can’t be
outside God

and at every moment
of every day,
we are still there–
sleeping in Love’s arms
waking up to Love’s gaze
walking around in Love’s body
and so is everyone else?

Maybe we don’t see it
because we’re looking
for life to be a certain way
as if we know how it should be.

What if
we admitted that we don’t.

What if
we stopped assuming
that life is a journey
to get to the place
where God is finally happy with us
and we’ve finally become
a nicer version of ourselves?

What if
we believed
that God is here
enjoying us
right now?

What if
we saw
everything around us
as gift
from a God smitten with us
just as we are?

What if
the air around us is how
God embraces us on the outside
and each breath we take is
God embracing us on the inside?

What if everything we see, hear, touch, taste and smell
is Love incarnate

and so are we?

If I believed that,
well,
it would certainly change
how I treat myself,
how I treat everything
and everyone.

If I believed that
I think I would
smile more.

We are all on a journey of love into a deeper discovery of God who dwells in every moment and every experience of our life. Finding God in all things and all things in God is a contemplative experience. It isn’t a one-off experience; God dwells in us and we dwell in God.Sister Anne Arabome 

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Sister Anne Arabome has been doing a lot of love mischief with God in the world. I especially appreciate how she makes the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises more accessible for women who struggle to relate to Ignatius, a military man who lived in the sixteenth century, and the language he used. Sister Anne sees the heart of what Ignatius offers us. She helps us learn what it means to listen to and honour our stories. She hears Ignatius inviting us to find God in our lives and find ourselves in God, where we are free to receive love and offer love in our unique ways.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References: “Joy Is Measurable” by Funkybug. Used with permission.
Poem “If I Believed That” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Cat-Bliss” by Etolane. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Waking Up to What’s True

I wrote the number 2 on the whiteboard on our fridge.

For two days, I have not eaten after supper. I feel hopeful that tomorrow I will write a three and the next day a four.

In 2020, I worked so hard to lose the weight that was endangering my health and limiting my joy. But for a while now, I’ve fallen back into the habit of snacking in the evening. During the summer, I was so active, I didn’t gain weight very quickly. That changed in the fall when rainy days and a full schedule returned.

For weeks, I would say to myself, “Today’s the day.” But when evening came, there was always a good reason to have some crackers and hummus and then a handful of nuts.

Finally, when the scale reported I’d gained back a third of the weight I’d lost, determination met grace and Day One arrived.

I want to live in a world where I can eat what I want, when I want and as much as I want and maintain my ideal weight. But that place doesn’t exist.

You’d think I’d be able to stop living in an illusion once I’ve woken up and named it for what it is. But I can be lulled back to sleep so easily. The voice in my head gets a lot of mileage out of the simple statement: It’s not that bad.

This statement is powerful because, really, most of our bad habits don’t have disastrous results in the short term. The world won’t come to an end if I eat a bag of chips or leave my dirty dishes on the counter. I don’t want to catastrophize or become hypervigilant.

And yet, when I minimize, excuse or defend a hurtful behaviour, I continue to hurt myself, others and the earth bit by bit.

This is what I need to remember to stay awake, so tomorrow I can write a 3 on my fridge.

Awake, my soul!
–Psalm 57:8 (NIV)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

“The world is dark and light is precious.
Come closer, dear reader.
You must trust me. I am telling you a story.”

–Kate DiCamillo

Recently, a friend introduced me to Kate DiCamillo‘s writing with these words, “Fully aware, characters in these stories face what the world brings them–abandonment, loss, disappointment, danger, cruelty, rejection….  They experience the full effect of darkness in family, friends, strangers, and in themselves. Fully engaged, the characters encounter the light in the world as well.  The precious moments of love and hospitality, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, truth-telling, bravery, tears, laughter….  You’ve got to read Kate DiCamillo’s children’s books!  Her person and literary skill name all the hard questions of what it means to be human and engage the reality of something so precious in the midst of the hardness of it all.” I was so inspired by my friend’s endorsement that over the Christmas break, I listened to these books on Libby: Flora and Ulysses, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, The Tale of Despereaux, and The Beatryce Prophesy. I thoroughly enjoyed them and thought you might too.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Images of numbers from https://freesvg.org/
Banner of Sunrise by Susanne Nilsson . Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Overeating, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Before the Miracle

I close my eyes, enter into my imagination, 
and arrive at the wedding in Cana.

I take it all in–
joyful chatter
olives and garlicky hummus
dangling earrings and earnest faces
freshly baked bread and wafts of perfume
the earthen goblet in my hand.

Who am I in this story?

Not the mother who expresses a need and gets her wish.
Not the servants who are given a job and are the first to know.
Not the surprised master,
Or the relieved groom.

When my prayer time’s over,
I still don’t know.

The next morning, 
I close my eyes to pray and return to the wedding.
Eventually, I find myself at the point in the story
when all the wine’s gone. 
I’m sitting alone 
with an empty cup in my hand.

I see myself stuck there
in that airless,
endless moment
before the miracle.

Life’s 
no longer water
and not yet wine.

Where are You? 

Sadness wells up, catches in my throat.
I breathe slowly
and wait.

I’m right here, You say. 

I’m
right
here.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Psalm 139:7-8 (NIV)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Coming Home:
Turning Toward and Lingering in Love’s Embrace 

A Silent Ignatian Lenten Retreat

Join spiritual directors Jan Evans and Esther Hizsa for a silent, guided prayer retreat opening to the desire to encounter God personally and live and grow in freedom using Ignatian prayer practices such as Lectio Divina, Gospel Contemplation (Praying with your imagination) and Prayer of Examen.

March 24-26, 2023  Online

TIME: Friday, 6pm PT (9 pm ET) to Sunday, noon PT (3 pm ET)

Register here.

“Surrendering to love leads to an unexpected place,
where yieldedness to God frees us to become who God created us to be.”
 David Benner

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
The Wedding at Cana by Frans Francken the Younger, c. 1618–20, Nationalmuseum, Stockholmr, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Poem “Before the Miracle” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
Water into Wine, Saint James the Greater Catholic Church (Concord, North Carolina) Author: Nheyob, Wikimedia Commons
Return of the Prodigal Son, Rembrandt Harmensz van Rijn – Public Domain
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Ignatian Spirituality, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Let God Love You

“You can always come home to God, and God can always be found wherever you are, right at the centre of your soul.” I heard Danielle Shroyer say in this podcast while I was making dinner one evening. “The purpose of religion is to rediscover our wholeness. The Bible says, ‘We have come to know and trust the love God has for us.’ That’s the heart of our wholeness. So I want us to take a moment to receive it.

“Take a deep breath. Let your eyes close and, just for a few moments, do one simple thing: Let… God… love you,” Danielle said.

“Yes. Just let me love you,” I heard God echo Danielle’s words in my heart. “I’m right here with you.”

I’d been feeling unsettled for days, and God knew it. The constant rain, the long to-do list with deadlines inching closer, and the recurring sense that something was wrong were dragging me down.

For days, I was stuck in a loop. I kept trying to figure out what would make me happier. Then I’d remind myself that I don’t need anything to make me happy. But then I still wasn’t happy and began the cycle all over again.

I continued to chop vegetables, listen to the podcast and think about letting God love me. I remembered that my first spiritual director invited me to “pray in the cracks” –to pause in my day to let God love me. 

I remembered hearing that feelings are like waves in the ocean. I’m not the waves; I’m in the ocean of God. Waves come and go. What if I don’t need to still the waves to find peace?

The next morning, I woke to the familiar waves of dissatisfaction. I made coffee and sat in the silence with God and God’s invitation. With each in-breath, I imagined God saying, “I love you,” and with the out-breath, I responded, “I love you too.” I waited in the silence and allowed myself to sink below the waves and into the core of my being, into the reality of my oneness with God. After a while, I felt myself relax there.

As I ended my time of prayer, I let go of the desire for the waves to be still and for joy to return. Instead, I set an intention to simply let God love me in that moment and the next, no matter what I was doing.

As I named this intention, I felt something soften in me. I sensed an affirmation from God that this was all I was being asked to do and it brought God great joy.

We have come to know and trust the love that God has for us.
–1 John 4:16 (CJB)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Recently, I’ve been introduced to a practice Fr. Thomas Keating taught called Guard of the Heart. It compliments both Centering Prayer and Welcoming Prayer. Centering Prayer invites us to be still in God and rest there, unhooked from our false self programs for happiness. Welcoming Prayer invites us to recognize and allow the feelings that arise that reveal the unhelpful programs that are active in our lives. Guard of the Heart helps us notice moments in our day when we have turned our attention away from God’s presence. We are encouraged to use a simple action to bring us back home to God and let God love us in that moment, no matter what we’re feeling, thinking or doing. For me, that simple action is taking a deep breath and listening inward for Jesus’ voice and hearing, “I’m right here.”

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Birds on a Rainy Day” by Macomb Paynes. Used with permission.
“Hummingbird Warrior” by Macomb Paynes. Used with permission.
“Heart Angel” by Hamed Al-Raisi. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com

Posted in compassion, Prayer, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments