“I’ve looked at your x-rays, and your teeth are fine,” the dentist said.
“That toffee didn’t do any harm?”
I read the look on his face. “I worry too much,” I said.
He’s right. I do worry too much. I saw my spiritual director last week with four worries orbiting my head. I listed them off.
“I think the common denominator is my fear of making mistakes,” I confessed. “Meanwhile God is expanding my universe. As I pay attention to what God has been doing, I notice a growing desire to be connected to others. I’m realizing oneness in God includes oneness with everyone.”
As we listened deeply to both realities, my director wondered what my concerns might be attached to. “Could the energy they consume be coming from your false self and its need to maintain a certain image?” she offered.
I thought about it and listened to God in the silence. I felt like a planet. Gravity from my false self (the “me” I’ve constructed with its need for security, esteem and control) pulled me toward itself, while God drew me to a solar system that revolved around Love.
I felt those gravitational pulls recently. “I got a phone call and found out I’d done something terrible,” I told my director. “Of course I apologized right away. But after I hung up the phone, the urge to get down on myself and compensate for my actions was strong. I knew I needed to pray but couldn’t sit still, so I went for a bike ride. I didn’t hear God say anything. Then a few hours later, I saw the ‘terrible’ thing as simply a blind spot. As I turned to God and gave myself time, the pull to react and fix my reputation slowly lost its power over me.”
“And God? How was God with it all?”
I closed my eyes again and saw God’s arms encircling the universe.
“And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.”
–John 12:32 (NRSV)
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Love Mischief for the World
Iris Challoner, Lola Kharma, Emily Collacott and Atania Kharma have formed a group called Humanity4Syrians to encourage groups and individuals to sponsor refugees from Syria. They held a meeting at Eagle Ridge United Church in Coquitlam, B.C. Tuesday night to provide information on the best way to get involved in resettling refugees. – See more
What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.
Excellent post Esther and very encouraging. I too find “the fear of making mistakes” and the “pull”to “fix my reputation” a challenge. Thanks for sharing your story.
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Thanks Dave. Did you see the eclipse of the moon last night? I am glad God can eclipse our false selves and reveal the “God of wonders beyond our galaxy.”
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