One Uncomfortable Adventure

Posted on August 8, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

So, I’m on an adventure into the deeper, bluer freedom of being myself. Yeah. Right.

Remember what Gandalf said to Bilbo. “I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”

Bilbo answered, “I should think so—in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!” smaug_the_dragon_by_evolvana-d6qohvt

My journey to be freed from the fear of rejection could only mean one thing: I was going to have to face that dragon. Of course, I only figured that out when I was in the middle of being rejected.

It was nasty, disturbing and uncomfortable. BUT rejection’s fiery breath didn’t kill me. And, truth be told, I wasn’t rejected for very long.

But I will meet that dragon again, if I continue on this path. Gandalf told Bilbo, “It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”

Dragons of rejection live in our neighbourhoods and have lairs in most homes and churches. Jaws open and dogmatic flames fly out, should we dare to disagree.

It takes a brave soul to stick to what they believe, especially when they are outnumbered. I’ve seen a few do it. They didn’t run away. They held their ground and kept on loving those who disagreed with them. And their community grew around them and flourished. It became more diverse and more loving.

Now God is asking me to be as brave as Bilbo. Remember, “So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.”

Smaug-The-Dragon-smaug-the-dragon-34600263-500-375What then shall we say to these things?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
-Romans 8:31 (ESV)

Credits:
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
“Smaug” by evlovana deviant art. Used with permission.
“Smaug the Dragon” uploaded by ObsessedAly 
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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The Real Story Begins

Posted on August 1, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

I was as restless as a cat. I’d pack a few things then check my emails. I looked over the list of items to bring to the SoulStream Partners’ Annual Retreat. Check. Check. What? A photograph of myself? Why hadn’t I noticed that before? Found one the wrong size; it would have to do. Pushed my nervousness aside. Checked my blog. Put my bag by the door. Ready, not ready.

The traffic was stop and go. I breathed in and out and arrived in plenty of time. Smiling faces welcomed me.

When everyone had gathered in the meeting room, we took turns introducing ourselves. After each introduction, we pinned the photo we brought to a board entitled SoulStream. Faces on the board and around the room reassured me: I belong here.

Over wine and cheese, I caught up with people I met last year and met new friends. I enjoyed the evening but woke in the night feeling anxious. I was afraid of something but didn’t know what. “Welcome it,” I sensed God say. “Listen to what it wants to tell you.”

With that, my fear curled up and went to sleep.

 

Heart

The next day I made a collage while my fear purred quietly on my lap. I was drawn to images and words that reconnected me to who I was before I went to elementary school, before I learned to recreate myself to match the approval of others.

A picture of a little girl wearing swimming goggles caught my attention. She had an apple on her head and stuck out her tongue. I could almost hear her giggles and sing-song, “Na, na, na, na, na.”

I cut out the phrases if you only knew what was in and the real story and glued them onto the page along with the word begins and a picture of a blue, blue ocean. 

Flip

I felt as peaceful as that ocean for the remainder of the weekend. But the nameless fear returned when I got home. It meowed in the night.

The next day I was meditating on Peter’s miraculous release from prison in Acts 12. I imagined myself as Peter. The angel whispered, “Let’s get out of here.” The chains fell off and I stepped over the sleeping guards and out of the fear that imprisoned me. I knew it now: the fear of rejection.

I’m beginning a new adventure. God is leading me into deeper, bluer freedom that I haven’t known since I was a child. “Can you imagine the freedom of remaining who you are no matter what another face tells you?” God asks me. “That’s where we’re going.”

Thank You that You lovingly accept us as we are
and invite us to rest in the intimacy of that Love.
– from the Noon Prayer of the SoulStream Community

© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Wasting Money

Posted on July 25, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

Every time I turned around, something was costing more money: a haircut, local produce, a restaurant meal. Then the theatre company called to say that the matinée performance we booked in our subscription was sold out. Should Fred and I change shows or pay more for an evening performance?

We don’t have a lot of money so we’re careful with it. Fred and I talked about the tickets and the recent expenditures as we walked to our weekly contemplative group. “I think I see a pattern emerging. I wonder if God is answering my prayer to help me become less self-centred,” I said. “Instead of whining about the cost, I could enjoy the fact that others are getting what they need.”

“Besides,” I continued, “if I really meant the Ignatian prayer I have been praying, it’s not my money anyway.”

St. Mary Magdelene by Fr Lawrence Lew, OPThat evening a member of our group led. She invited us to use our imagination to pray with the story of the woman who anointed Jesus with perfume. What is Jesus asking you to “waste” for him? she asked us to consider.

I imagined myself as the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume. I resonated the disciples’ dismay: What a waste! Should I do it? Nervously I poured the expensive perfume on Jesus’s head. The scent filled the room and delighted him. It delighted me, too.

Then the scene changed. I saw myself with Jesus pouring perfumed blessings on the people who worked for Pacific Theatre, and then on my hairstylist, the strawberry farmers, and the friend I had lunch with. Each person was filled with joy.

As Fred and I walked home, we talked about the evening and the sold-out matinée. “I want to spend more money and get the evening tickets,” I said. He agreed.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me.
– Ignatius of Loyola

 

Credits:
Suscipe (Take and Receive) by St. Ignatius of Loyola
Photo of St. Mary Magdalene by Fr. Lawrence Lew, O.P. Used with permission.
Scripture reference: Matthew 26:6-14
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.

 

Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Praying with the Imagination, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Me and My Shadow

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

Lolowaro974

I am hesitant to confess this to you, because when I do, you will find evidence that it’s true. And where that leads, well, that makes me both nervous and hopeful. So here it is: I am pretty self-centred.

I often put myself first and orchestrate my life to get what I want. Even if I do things for others, it’s still about me and my shadow and the sweet little dance routine we have going.

When I see this ungodly trait in me, I want to get rid of it. But my shadow refuses to leave, stuck to me “like wallpaper sticks to the wall, like the seashore clings to the sea.”

Help me, Lord! I pray. But instead of getting rid of my shadow, God embraces it. In Surrender to Love, David Benner says, it isn’t just the good side of us that God wants to love, but our dark side too. The  Holy Spirit invites us to be vulnerable and snuggle with God in our untransformed state.

Benner writes, “For love to transform us, not only must we meet in vulnerability, we must also linger long enough for it to penetrate our woundedness. Snuggling keeps us in contact with love long enough that it has that effect.”

One evening, after my examen offered more proof of my selfish ways, I read another chapter of Benner’s book. In it, he too confessed that he struggles with self-centredness. I sat there in awe: I was not alone.

That night I lay in bed with the confidence I needed to expose my shadow side to God. The cavity it had created in me seemed as big as the Grand Canyon. I felt the Holy Spirit tremble with delight. Thank you, God whispered, for giving me such a huge space to fill with my love.

Then Love, bigger than the Grand Canyon enveloped me and my shadow. We snuggled up into it and fell asleep in God’s arms.

glimpse-of-an-angel-daniel-bonnell

Thank You that You lovingly accept us as we are
and invite us to rest in the intimacy of that love.
– from the Noon Prayer of the SoulStream Community

Credits:
“Shadows” by Lolowaro974. Used with permission.
Surrender to Love, David G. Benner, 2003, IVP, (p.53).
“Glimpse of an Angel” by Daniel Bonnell.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Mystical, Prayer, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Buried Treasure

Posted on July 11, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

Treasure Island Archive 10It’s all fine to recall those moments for which we are most grateful and treasure them in our hearts. But what about the events in our day for which we are least grateful? Who wants to treasure those? I’d just as soon forget them.

But Ignatius of Loyola believed uncomfortable moments contain treasures too. Experiences of desolation are included in our Daily Examen, because God is there. Psalm 23:4 says,

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

It’s easy to imagine God with us when life is free and easy. But the psalmist tells us that when we go through hard times, God has not abandoned us.

Father Richard Soo, a Jesuit priest, says that we often feel like we go through dark valleys alone. However, as we return to those places with Jesus in the Prayer of Examen, we will see how God was with us. What’s more, when we linger there with Jesus, we can receive the comfort and protection God promised.

In the post Sweet Freedom, I described how I went through a dark valley after preaching one Sunday. The next morning, as I returned to that desolation with Jesus, I saw things a different way. I appreciated the new insight, but it was the compassionate way Jesus was with me in both darkness and light that deepened my love for him.

Under every desolation is a consolation. That is what we discover as we pray the second part of the Daily Examen. Here’s how it’s done. After you have enjoyed revisiting a grateful moment with Jesus, take another five minutes and ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind the moment in your day for which you were least grateful. Picture yourself with Jesus and relive that experience with the One who is kind and gentle of heart. What do you notice as you are with him? What is Jesus feeling?

If you imagine yourself being cornered by a finger-pointing frustrated guy in a beard and a robe, that’s not Jesus. It’s someone in your past pretending to be him.

Jesus–the real Jesus–looks at us and loves us. He knows we are standing on buried treasure and he will help us find it.

marytreasuresallthesewords

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
– Luke 2:19

 

Credits:
“Treasure Island Archive 10” by Adplayers. Used with permission.
“Mary Treasures All These Words” by C. Robin Janning. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Something Exciting Is Happening on Your Block

Posted on July 4, 2014 by Esther Hizsa
njothing

Meet Chester Filbert. He lives at 5264 One Hundred and Seventy-Seventh Street. He is frowning because, as the title of the book explains, nothing ever happens on his block. The reader soon discovers, however, that the joke is on him, because a lot happens on Chester’s street. While he sits there moping, firemen put out a fire, police catch a thief, a gardener finds a treasure and so on.

Just like Chester, we often feel like nothing ever happens in our lives that draws us close to God. Other people have amazing experiences of God, but–sigh–not us.

Meanwhile, the joke is on us. That uncontainable love of God is spilling out all over the place, yet we hardly notice it.  To help us become aware of God’s attentive love, we can use Ignatius of Loyola’s Prayer of Examen. Five centuries later, many still find this simple prayer practice invaluable. We can do it while commuting, going for a walk or before falling asleep at night.

Here’s how it’s done. Take five minutes and ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind a moment in the past day or week for which you were most grateful. Perhaps you forgot where you parked your car and found it anyway or maybe you were touched by what someone did or said to you. Whatever it was, take time to enjoy that moment again with Jesus.

In the post, God’s Exuberant, Uncontainable Love, I mentioned a time when I was in church and God welcomed me home with a hug from my granddaughter. When it happened, I couldn’t take it in; there was too much going on. But the next day, I returned to that moment with Jesus and, like Mary did at Jesus’s birth, treasured what happened in my heart.

As we practice the Daily Examen, we soon discover that Jesus has indeed “moved into the neighbourhood.” He’s on Chester’s block, yours and mine. How exciting is that?

5788c-book-3

 The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighbourhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.
– John 1:14 (The Message)

Credits:
Nothing Ever Happens on My Block was written and illustrated by Newbery award winner Ellen Raskin (March 13, 1928 – August 8, 1984) in 1966.
References:
Luke 2:19,”But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

And How Will You Wear That?

Posted on June 27, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

chocolate ganache tartlet by chotdaIt isn’t just fear, shame and judgment that are placed on me. I receive compliments too. People often thank me for something I’ve done or tell me how a certain blog post has impacted their lives. But it’s hard for me to take it in without imagining what they didn’t say. Does that mean they didn’t like the previous posts?

On other occasions, approval can go to my head, and all I think about is how I can get more.

I talked about that too in spiritual direction.

“I had my first day as the new intern facilitator of Living from the Heart,” I said.

Karen smiled. “How was it?”

“Wonderful. Jeff and Deb told me, more than once, how much they enjoy working with me. Ten years ago, Jeff’s book was the first one I read when I began my degree at Regent College and now we are colleagues.”

She waited for me to say more.

“I like these affirmations, and hold onto them tightly. I’m afraid someone is going to come along and say something that will knock my feet out from under me,” I said, feeling tears come.

“And when you imagine Jesus with you?” she asked.

I closed my eyes for a moment and got a sense of what Jesus felt. “He’s thrilled that people see what he sees.”

“So what will you do with their praise?”

Again I closed my eyes and asked Jesus that question. All of a sudden I knew. “It’s dessert,” I said. “I can’t make a steady diet of it, but I can enjoy every bite.”

“It’s sweet,” Karen added.

As I biked home from my spiritual direction session, I wondered how I would wear people’s accolades. I don’t want to reject them like the heavy coats of judgment and shame. But you can’t wear a chocolate ganache tartlet or crème caramel. I suppose compliments are more like hats or scarves. They’re not essential, but they highlight who we are.

Margueritte by Giuss95Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labour or spin.
Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed
like one of these. -Luke 12:27

Credits:
“Chocolate Ganache Tartlet” by Chotda. Used with permission.
“Margueritte” by Guiss95. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Are You Going to Wear It?

Posted on June 20, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

Just Passing by Just ArdIt wasn’t my outfit that offended; it was my belief.

After the disgruntled person walked away, a friend remained and asked me if I was okay. Neither of us had more than a few minutes to talk. I blurted out, “I think I’ve just been shamed.”

My friend took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Are you going to wear it?” he asked.

His question surprised and relieved me. I had a choice. I didn’t have to accept the heavy judgment placed on me.

This was exactly what I had talked about with Karen in spiritual direction a few weeks before.

“I seem to collect other people’s fears and judgments,” I had said. “I get so weighed down by it all.” I told her about a particular incident that had upset me.

As we sat in God’s presence, I had seen myself draped in a heavy coat of fear. Jesus, filled with compassion, lifted the ill-fitting coat off my shoulders. As he did, I realized that the coat didn’t fit because it wasn’t mine.

Are you going to wear it? Jesus asked me now. I didn’t have to feel ashamed for having a different opinion than someone else. I could let it go.

As I did, peace returned and joy too. I felt grateful for my friend and for God, who had lovingly orchestrated the timely exchange.

Even though I have been reborn into God’s delight, coats of shame, fear and judgment–of all shapes and colours–are still thrust on me. I refuse one and the next day four more take its place. Goodness, has there been a sale on ugly coats?

I breathe in and out slowly.

No matter. I’d rather leave a trail of coats than wear them.

Pure JoyIt is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
– Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

Credits:
“Just Passing” by Just Ard. Used with permission.
“Pure Joy” by Martin Hricko. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Sweet Freedom

Posted on June 13, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

ball and chainI preached after a particularly full week and three restless nights. I was tired but felt confident. I had practised my sermon out loud without relying much on my notes and looked forward to doing it like that on Sunday. However, when I got behind the pulpit and in front of everyone, self-doubt surfaced and glued me to my script.

I know this intro. What am I doing? I thought.

I looked up and wanted to step back, but I was tethered in place by the microphone. One end was pinned to my collar and the other rested on the pulpit since I didn’t have a way of clipping it onto me. I felt leashed to a nervous insecurity that questioned me about incidental facts. A few times I stumbled over my words and was sidetracked by thoughts.

After church, preoccupation with my performance had me wound up tight. “Did it go all right?” I asked Fred more than once. “Yes,” he said each time, looking me in the eyes.

Over coffee and a walk, I unwound the event with trepidation. I enjoyed what worked well—and most of the sermon did—but it was hard to accept what didn’t. But there was nothing I could do about it now.

“I long for the freedom to just preach without insecurity hampering me,” I said. I had tried my hardest.

That thought triggered a memory from elementary school. The teacher took our class to the gym and lined us up along its perimeter. He asked us to run across it diagonally, one at a time. I was not an athlete and my peers and teacher would be watching. I ran as fast as I could, unaware of how loudly my feet pounded on the floor. As I caught my breath, the teacher remarked, “Sounds like you are stomping grapes.” Everyone laughed. I felt like a fool.

But no one was laughing now. Why did that memory return?

Before I went to bed that night I sat down to pray. I allowed myself to be present to the Holy Spirit who was present to me. My Companion was gentle and compassionate, matching sigh with sigh. It is what it is. 

The next morning, when I returned to prayer, I saw things differently. The freedom the Holy Spirit longed to give me, was not the freedom to live unhampered by self-doubt, but the freedom not to care if I stomped or not. 

Yes, that’s the sweet freedom I want. Not to care one little bit.  

Photo by Anne Yungwirth

Guard us, Lord, from seeking to find our identity in performance or professions.
– From SoulStream Community’s Noon Prayer 

Credits:
“Ball and Chain” and “Splash!” by Anne Yungwirth. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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A Miracle Day

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

 

Holy Spirit Coming-by He Qi

They were filled with the Holy Spirit. Not just some believers, but all of them.

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one
place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came
from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting.
They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and
came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the
Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit
enabled them. – Acts 2:1-4

It was the miracle of the loaves and the fishes all over again. Jesus was raised up to heaven and multiplied. Now there was plenty of him to go around and they were filled to over flowing.

loaves and fishes by Jago cropped

Before that day, the Holy Spirit came to special people at special times: David when he was chosen to be king of Israel, Mary at the conception of Jesus, Zechariah when he prophesied at the naming of his son, John.

But from then on all believers were given Jesus’s Spirit.

This means we never have to do anything on our own ever again. This means, as The Message says in Romans 8, “We don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!”

Whatever is going on for us, whatever we face, big or small, Jesus’s Spirit is there. Within us, he listens with compassion and feels what we feel, amplifying our joy and embracing our sorrow. Patiently, gently, the Spirit brings thoughts or memories to mind, that open our eyes to see what God sees and leads us forward. Then–oh my heart–our Companion goes with us! Together we do things and go places we never thought possible.

Jesus. In us. It’s a miracle day.

Credits and references:
“Holy Spirit Coming” by He Qi.
Acts 2:1-4 (NIV)
1 Samuel 16:13; Luke 1:35,67
John 6: 1-15 : Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand
Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)
“Loves and Fishes”  by Jago Silver  ©  Jago 2014. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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