Sharing the Weight, Revealing the Glory

When I told a friend about my dream, she was moved by what came out of it. “Why do you think God gave you that dream now?” she asked.

“That’s a very good question,” I said. We both knew it was a question I needed to ask God.

On a bike ride one afternoon, I put it to God. I had just written about the dream and it was fresh in my mind. How does this relate to what’s going on in my life?

I could identify a few times over the past week when I felt anxious about decisions, relationships or work that needed to be done. My anxiety wasn’t pervasive, nor did it last long, but it was there nonetheless. Little episodes of Godless dread.

That was it. God wanted to be in those moments too. I had minimized them and just got on with life until a sense of peace returned. Now I saw that those episodes are like the pebbles on the shore that God glistens and tugs home. Whatever I am going through–big or small–God wants to be there, sharing the weight, revealing the glory.

Reality seeps in: I don’t have to do anything alone. I can meet God—in the moment something happens, in the feelings that arise, in the facts that must be faced, in the grieving and rejoicing, and in the changes to be made.

Pebble Beach by Jørn Støylen

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same
The Three in One and One in Three.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.
— from St. Patrick’s Breastplate

 

Questions for your Lenten journey:

  • Think back over the past few days. What disturbed you?
  • Return to that moment with God. Can you talk to God about what happened. Notice how it is different now that you are not carrying that experience alone.
  • What glory does God reveal?

 

Credits:
“Pebble Beach” by  Jørn Støylen. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Lent, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Deep, Deep Love of Jesus

I dream that I’m at an event in an unfamiliar place. I find a list of the seminars offered and choose one to attend. But when I go to check the room number, the schedule is gone. Now, what do I do?

Anxiety rises as I wander down the wide, dimly lit hallways. I see a few friends, but they evade me. What did I do wrong?

I keep walking and looking for direction. Aware that time is ticking and I’m missing out, I begin to panic. I finally stop and talk to a man having coffee. “I’m not going to any of the talks,” he says flatly. “They’re only trying to sell you stuff.” His cavalier remark only adds to my confusion.

I am lost, rejected–and alone. Where is God? I have no choice but to try to make the best of it on my own. Dread engulfs me.

I notice that I am overheating. I throw off my blankets and begin to wake. With a wave of relief, I realize I do not have to return to that Godless situation. At any moment, I can look into my heart and find God, who is always with me. No matter what happens, I’ll be all right.

Later that day, I sit down to pray and reflect on my dream. In God’s presence, I relive the dread of being sentenced by people’s judgments and imprisoned in my deficiencies. Despair throbs in my throat. I’ve been in hells like this before.

What do you see, God? What is going on for you when I am trapped and alone?

In response, I somehow know that the intensity of my dread matches the intensity of God’s desire to rescue me. I feel God’s feelings.

Deep calls to deep, the psalmist wrote, in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

I am humbled and tearful now. God’s love for me—for all of us—pounds against the shores of my soul, enlarging it. I see everyone and everything on earth as if they are pebbles on my beach. Waves rush in and recede, glistening each stone, loosening the sand, tugging us home.

Waves by Tony Hisgett

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!
— Samuel T. Francis, 1875

 

Questions & suggestions for your Lenten journey:

  • What do you relate to in my dream or prayer?
  • We all know God loves us, but it’s hard for us to really believe it. Invite Jesus to reveal to you personally the depth of his love for you.
References and credits:
Psalm 42:7 (NIV)
“Waves” by Tony Hisgett. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com
Posted in Lent, Mystical, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

DIY Prayer Retreat #2: God Is Love Loving

Candle light Alesa Dam

Read the introduction in DIY Prayer Retreat #1 for general instructions on how to facilitate a prayer retreat.

10:00- 10:30: Gather

  •  It is helpful to begin this retreat by sharing loving images of God. You may use artwork or a story like this one: 

In a sermon, Pastor Lance Odegard of Artisan Church, told this story. Lance’s son was caught doing something wrong and sent him to his room. Lance went to talk with him and as soon as he took his son onto his lap, the boy began to cry. His shoulders were going up and down like jack hammers, and he could hardly speak. “I… I… f-f-feel so g-g-guilty,” he said. Lance wrapped his arms around his son and started to cry too. 

“Dad,” his son said. “Why are you crying?” 

Lance was at a loss for words for a moment then replied. “Because you’re crying.” 

After they talked about what happened, the boy said to his father. “Every night you tell me that you love me, now I know how big that love is.”

Rembrandt_Return_of_the_Prodigal_Son

  • Take a few minutes to be with what has been shared about God’s loving nature.
  • Distribute copies of the reading below and the plan for the day. Ask a participant or two to read aloud “God Is Love Loving”.
  • After a few minutes of silence invite the participants to share briefly what stood out for them in the reading.
  • Then go over the plan for the day, attend to any housekeeping details and disperse. 

Reading: God Is Love Loving
from What Is Ignatian Spirituality? by David L. Fleming

Ignatius’s life changed drastically in 1521. He was a soldier serving the kingdom of Castile, fighting to defend the city of Pamplona against a French attack. During the battle a cannonball struck him in the legs. Badly injured, Ignatius was taken to his family castle in the town of Loyola to recuperate. There he endured two extremely painful operations to repair his wounds, and spent many months convalescing. Ignatius had a lot of time to think about his life, which, to that point, had been an undistinguished and unsatisfying pursuit of military glory and frivolous pastimes.

Ignatius Loyola (1491-1556). Spanish founder of Jesuit Order. Counter-Reformation. #1ab.Ignatius was a keenly observant man. His talent for simple “noticing” or “taking note” became a cornerstone of his approach to the spiritual life. In 1521, bored and restless as he healed in his family’s home, Ignatius took special notice of the movements in his own spirit.

He had asked for romance novels to read. These tales of love and adventure were the most popular printed books of the time, as they are in our time, and Ignatius loved to fill his imagination with these stories. But the only books available in the house were a life of Christ and a book of stories about saints. Ignatius read these instead, and he was struck by the feelings they stirred in his heart. The stories of Jesus and the heroes of the faith inspired and stimulated him. By contrast, he was restless and discontented when he remembered his favorite tales of romantic love and adventure.

Gradually, a new and inspiring image of God began to form in Ignatius’s mind. He saw God as a God of Love. This was no abstract philosophical concept. God as Love was no longer just a scriptural statement. Ignatius experienced God as an intensely personal, active, generous God, a God as Love loving. God creates, and by so doing, God is actively showering us with gifts. God acts, and all his actions show his wisdom and love.

God’s love is unconditional. It is not something we earn, or buy, or bargain for. God does not say, “I will love you if you keep my commandments” or “I will love you if you go to Lourdes.” Lying on his sickbed—in pain, crippled, agitated—Ignatius came to understand that active loving was God’s most outstanding quality. This is his foundational image of God. He arrived at it by “noting” how God dealt with him in his body, soul, and spirit, and through the people and events in his everyday life.

… This image of God affects how we understand the purpose of our lives. If we think that God loves us only if we act in a certain way, we will see our lives as a time of testing. We need to rise to the challenge, to avoid mistakes, to labor to do the right thing. But if God is Love loving, our life is a time of growing and maturing. “All the things in this world” are ways to become closer to God. Lovers don’t test each other. Lovers don’t constantly demand that the other measure up. Lovers give to those they love.

 

10:45-Noon First Prayer period

Silent Prayer by Neil GallopDescend

  • “with the mind into the heart and there stand before the face of the Lord, ever-present, all-seeing, within you.”  (Theophan the Recluse)

Ask Jesus for the grace you need

  • to envision God as Love loving, an active lover attentively loving you.
  • to remain present and open to God

Be attentive to God and to yourself in the silence (most of the hour)

  • As you sit in the silence with God, pay attention to what you notice has been going on in your life. What stands out? What feelings emerge along with them?
  • As you continue to sit with God and the event and feelings around it, invite God to do what God wants to do: actively love you.
  • Is there something that you have been reading in scripture lately that relates?
  • Allow your time with God to be a new landscape, an open vista, in which God takes the lead and interacts with you.

Converse

  • Near the end of the hour take 5 minutes or so to have a conversation with God about what came up in your prayer period

Journal Entry by Joel Montes de OcaJournal

  • After your hour of prayer, take time to write down what was significant to you in this prayer period.

12:15 to 1:30: Relax, have lunch, go for a walk, knit etc.

1:30-2:30: Second prayer period

Use the same structure as above.

  • This time, allow the louder emotions and events in your life to take a seat and “let your shy soul speak” (Parker Palmer). As you sit quietly with God, allow a less emotionally charged event or connected events (and accompanying emotion) to emerge.
  • Once again, allow your time with God to be a new landscape, an open vista in which God takes the lead and interacts with you.

2:30-3:00

  • Journal about what was significant in your second prayer period
  • Ask God to show you what would be honouring to God and meaningful/beneficial for you to share with others
  • Relax, have a cup of tea…

3:00-4:00

  • Gather again and take turns sharing one thing that was meaningful that came out of the day.
  • Take a few minutes in silence after each person has shared to hold them up in prayer.

 

Credits:
“Candle Light” by Alesa Dam. Used with permission.
Story by Lance Odegard, Artisan Church used with permission.
Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt.
“God Is Love Loving” Chapter 2  in What Is Ignatian Spirituality? by David L. Fleming, SJ
“Silent Prayer” by Neil Gallop
“Journal Entry” by Joel Montes de Oca. Used with permission.
Banner: “Sitting in Silence” by Alice Popkorn. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Prayer Retreat Outline, Resource, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

She Who Hesitates

Grinnin on GracieI was ten kilometres into my ride on a sunny January day, when I got a flat tire. I searched my bike’s panniers, but the levers weren’t there. Without them, it would be impossible to fix the flat. I hate it when I don’t have what it takes to do what I want.

That feeling is all too familiar to me. Before I write a sermon or a blog post, and as I listen to someone in spiritual direction, I often hesitate because I don’t know what to say. Yet these are the activities I find most rewarding. Why? Because in those moments, when I realize I cannot move forward without God’s help, suddenly God comes. Suddenly, the words are given. And what unfolds is amazing.

But that awful feeling of helplessness returns whenever I must wait. I wish God would deliver what I need in a timelier manner, but it appears that God doesn’t want to take away my helplessness. Instead I am invited to welcome it—and not just sporadically, but in all of my life. The truth is: I am dependent on God for everything.

She who hesitates is not lost; she is in God. Knowing this helps me relax into a posture of waiting. This ancient way of being is slowly becoming my new normal. The prophet Isaiah said, “Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles.”

In the end, a friend took Gracie (my bike) and me home and Fred fixed the flat. Even with levers, I couldn’t get the tire off by myself. Within a few days, I had another opportunity to go for a long bike ride. I sped along, feeling like an eagle in flight, and gave thanks for Fred, the weather, and the strength to enjoy the ride.

waiting by Kevin Bond

. . . and the Lord whom you seek will suddenly come to his temple. –Malachi 3:1b

Questions for your Lenten journey:

  • When have you experienced helplessness?
  • How might this be an invitation to welcome God’s presence?
Credits and references:
“Grinnin’ on Gracie” by Fred Hizsa. Used with permission.
Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)
“Waiting” by Kevin Bond. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Poverty of Spirit, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The End of Ordinary Time

 

12950848893_e4ab936aae_kIt’s the end of Ordinary Time in the church year. Ash Wednesday begins the season of Lent. For the next forty days, like many Christians, I will give up something I enjoy, so that I can identify in some small way with Christ’s suffering and death.

Last year’s palms, which were waved joyously to mark Jesus’s triumphal entry into Jerusalem, are burned. The ashes are applied to our foreheads in the shape of a cross as a sign of repentance.

Last year's palms by Gerry Brague

 The “Imposition of Ashes” will not signify that I have repented, but that I have begun forty days of repenting. Yes, it is the end of that blissful ordinary time when I could live in the illusion that there is nothing wrong with me.

Someone asked me the other day, “What do people say to God during the Prayer of Confession when they have nothing to confess?”

“They can ask for more self-awareness,” I replied.

Now I must take my own advice, and I’m a little nervous of what the Holy Spirit might reveal. I don’t like being burdened with truth and guilt.

But the One who weds me to the truth does not abandon me at the altar. God walks with me in it, helping me to turn from hurtful ways to more loving ways of being.

And that is because God loves the world and everyone and everything in it.

ash_wednesday by Stephen - 10on12

Then Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” –John 8:31,32

Questions for your Lenten journey:

  • What feelings emerge when you think about repenting? Share those feelings with God.
  • Can you imagine God responding with kindness and compassion? If not, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal God’s true character.

 

Credits:
“Ashes to Go” by St. Martin. Used with permission.
“Ash Wednesday” by Stephen 10on12. Used with permission.
“Last year’s palms” by Gerry Brague. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.

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The Invisible Gardener

Dormant fern garden by Jay PastoreWhat feelings emerged for you when you read last Friday’s post? Perhaps you were drawn to that idyllic picture of God and prayer, yet frustrated because it’s nothing like your experience. Perhaps for you, prayer is as dry and unattractive as a dead plant, and the garden of your inner life suffering from neglect.

Stay right there for a moment. What is your disappointment saying to you? Does it speak of a longing for the Gardener to return and bring forth beauty?

Share that longing with God. Even if you don’t feel God’s presence or sense that you have been heard, entertain the thought that God is with you and listening.

“Where can I go from your Spirit?” asks David rhetorically in Psalm 139. Paul could tell the Philippians to rejoice in all circumstances because he knew God was near. Jesus himself said, “I will be with you always.”

Sprout by Dixieroadrash

God is always actively loving us–even when we don’t experience God or see change, even when we can’t pray.  The writer of Hebrews helps us to believe that. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Even when we don’t feel God’s presence or see growth in our garden, God has not stopped tending us. The fact that we long for God is evidence that the Spirit has been at work in our lives.

 

References and credits:
Psalm 139:7; Philippians 4:5; Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 11:1
“Dormant Fern Garden” by Jay Pastore. Used with permission.
“Sprout” by Dixeroadrash. Used with permission.
Banner: IMGPO854 vege garden by Rae Allen. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.

 

Posted in Poverty of Spirit, Prayer | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Gardener

Night Prayer by Michael Cook

How powerless the soil is to produce anything on its own.

I am praying with Jesus’s parable of the sower and the seed. I can relate. No matter how hard I try, those three unreceptive soils are in me, impeding a harvest.

Birds pick up hopeful seeds from rocky places where I am spiritually asleep and need to be wakened to a new awareness of my surroundings, of others or of myself. More rocks beneath the earth won’t let my desire to honour God take root. A third place is overgrown with thorns of attachment, concern, and anxiety. I’m often too preoccupied with my thoughts or overwhelmed by my feelings to turn to God. In these dull patches, life is dormant. Even in the good soil, where my heart is eager and ready to respond to God, I am unable to do so without seeds. I can do nothing but wait on God to garden and seed me. 

As I pray with these images, I ache for God to do just that. 

A picture comes to mind. While I pray, Jesus is gardening me. I can see by the look on his face, that of all the things he loves to do, this is his favourite. I suspect he cherishes every opportunity he has to tend my soil. 

Jesus wastes no time while I sit in silence. I watch him collect rocks and stones in his outstretched shirt then dump them into a pile with delight. I continue to pray and he takes a shovel, puts his foot atop the blade, and presses it hard into the dirt. He digs and tosses and digs and tosses until he meets the satisfying ding of resistance. Then, casting the shovel aside, he crouches down while his fingers find the offending rock. He groans and heaves until it is loosed, lifted, and thrust it away.

After wiping his brow with the back of his hand, my sweet gardener relaxes against a maple and refreshes himself with the words of my noontime prayer:

Lord, we pause at noon from work and activity
To remember the many gifts
that come from Your heart. . . 

Once rested, Jesus puts on gloves and begins uprooting those pesky thorns.

Even while I go about my day, Jesus continues to work, shamelessly climbing over the wall whenever I forget to open the gate.

At vespers he straightens his back and dips his hand into the bag of cool seeds. Then he flings them into my rich dark earth.

“Amen,” he says with me at the end of night prayers.

“Amen,” I reply, “amen.”

Sower

Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow.But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

. . . 13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy.17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.” –Mark 4:-9,13-20 (NIV)

Credits:
Night Prayer by Michael Cook. Used with permission.
Noon Prayer of the SoulStream Community.
“Sower in Setting Sun” by Vincent Van Gogh.
Banner: Parable of the Sower by Madison Murphy. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Mystical, Popular Posts, Poverty of Spirit, Prayer, Praying with the Imagination | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Supervision Examen: An Ignatian reflection for spiritual directors

PARA IMPRESSÃO jack JewellHere is a helpful reflection for spiritual directors to use after offering spiritual direction.

After offering spiritual direction, take some time to pray with what transpired. Begin by opening yourself to Christ’s presence. Descend with your mind into your heart and look into Jesus’s eyes. See his delight in you. This depiction of Jesus by Jack Jewell might help. Remember that Jesus isn’t interested in measuring your performance; he only desires to actively love you.

  1. Consolation: When did you experience consolation during the direction session? Consolation draws you toward God and is often experienced as a feeling of joy, peace, or wholeness. However, unpleasant feelings, such as sadness, boredom or helplessness, can also draw us closer to God. Take a few minutes to be with Jesus savouring your consolation. Talk with him about it. Is there anything else Jesus would like you to notice or receive?
  2. Desolation: When did you experience desolation during spiritual direction? Desolation draws you away from God and is often experienced as an unpleasant feeling such as anger or frustration. However, a pleasant feeling such as confidence or elation can also draw us away from God. Talk with Jesus about was going on in the session that evoked this desolation. How would Jesus like to be with you in this?
  3. Dialogue: If you prepared a verbatim, look closely at your part of the dialogue. Circle the statements or questions that drew the directee into their hearts and opened them to God. Underline what did you said that drew them into their heads or got them thinking about life or God. Take a few minutes to be with Jesus as you consider what you underlined. Invite the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what was going on for you in those moments. Talk with Jesus about it. Allow Jesus to speak or reveal himself to you in some way. If you become aware of an unfreedom or fear, ask Jesus for the grace you need or consider talking about this with your spiritual director.
  4. Gifts for your directee: Notice what the Holy Spirit did for your directee in the session. Give thanks for the grace you were given to lead your directee deeper. Give thanks that God will use whatever you did to deepen God’s love for your directee.
  5. Gifts for you: Name something you received from God in this direction session. Perhaps an image or insight that was given to your directee was particularly meaningful to you as well. Why might God be giving this to you now? What is God’s invitation?
  6. Let go; give thanks: Now, let go of all happened and didn’t happen. Give thanks for gifts received and God’s loving kindness for your directee and for you.
 Credits
“Risen Christ by the Sea” by Jack Jewell, 1985.
Special thanks to Father Richard Soo, SJ who has led me through something like this at a JSAV retreat.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014,15  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Resource, Spiritual Direction | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

We Are Not as Strong as We Think We Are

sad creature by quantum bunnyI’m thinking about the things I do that hurt others and how I wish I wouldn’t do them. Thankfully, I have come to believe that God doesn’t despise me when I sin. Before I catch myself doing something wrong or even when I am unaware of it, God looks at me with love. So I don’t despise myself either when I act unkindly. But I don’t want to keep doing it.

The apostle Paul shared my dilemma. The Message translation put it this way, “It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.  I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope.”

strong like bull by Irene NobregaI’m at the end of my rope too. Some difficult things are so easy to do while other seemingly simple things are not. I think I should just be able to do them and am tempted to berate myself. Come on. What’s the matter with you? Is it that hard to resist saying a critical word or stop taking more than your share? The honest answer is: Yes. It is very hard for me. To quote Rich Mullins, “We are not as strong as we think we are.”

Paul asks, “Is there no one who can do anything for me?”

There is, Paul goes on to say: Jesus. Jesus will help me speak kindly and resist temptation. Even before I ask him, he helps me become aware of my sin. He also works behind the scenes to free me from whatever happened in the past that compels me to do wrong.

And he helps me ask for the grace I need to make the hard things easier.

We are frail;
we are fearfully and wonderfully made,
forged in the fires of human passion
choking on the fumes of selfish rage.
And with these, our hells and our heavens,
so few inches apart,
we must be awfully small
and not as strong as we think we are.
–Rich Mullins 

Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?  The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.  —Romans 7:24, 25 (The Message)

References and credits:
Romans 7:21-25
“We Are Not as Strong as We Think We Are” from the album Songs by Rich Mullins, 1996. Used with permission.
“Sad_Creature” by quantum bunny. Used with permission.
“Strong Like Bull” by Irene Nobrega. Used with permission.
Post banner: “TakeTone_Cements_0013” by Donghee Bae. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Poverty of Spirit | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

In the Shelter of God’s Wings

I imagine myself in the shelter of God’s wings, safe and warm. Angels relieve me of my duties. I can hang up the worries of my day, click off my brain, and rest.

Be still, I tell myself, close your eyes and savour the rest.

Seconds later my eyes are open, my body tense. I can’t stop thinking about my son, Rudy. He hurt his ankle at work and has hobbled around for days. How can I get him to go to the doctor?

I need to get up. I’m overheating in these feathers. I need to…

“Let it go. You need to rest,” says a voice.

Yes. I have come to rest in God’s delicate down, to be still and pray.

As I feel myself relax again, I wonder if the Good Samaritan was praying on his way from Jerusalem to Jericho. Maybe that’s why he saw the injured man.

I can’t believe it. I’m lying here in the shadow of God’s wings thinking of my next sermon. Oh well, maybe I should get up and write this down.

“No sermon writing!” says the same gravelly voice I heard earlier.

This voice isn’t God’s. It’s the angel sitting next to me—and I swear he’s just smoked a cigarette. He lowers his newspaper slightly. I see his pale blue eyes and unshaved cheeks. “Rest.” He wags his forefinger at me. “That’s all God wants you to do right now. Rest.”

He raises the sports section against my objections. I lie back down and blow off the feather that tickles my upper lip. Beads of sweat collect on the bridge of my nose. These wings feel like a straight jacket.

Feather 1 Jim ChampionThe angel lowers his newspaper again. “Beginning is always hard. Just let the thoughts wash over you. It’ll get easier.”

But it doesn’t. Acidic bile springs into my throat. A sudden cramp makes me hug my knees to my chest. “What’s going on? This isn’t comfy at all. I feel like I’m in a detox ward,” I tell him.

“In a way you are,” he says.

“What? I thought I came here to pray. Why would I need to dry out? I’ve never had more than two glasses of wine in an evening. Never done drugs. What do I need to detox from?”

“Your compulsive thoughts,” he answers. “Everybody’s got them. You’re so used to them you don’t realize how much they run your life.”

“So I’m here in the shadow of God’s wings to detoxify my brain?”

“More or less. Yeah.”

“This is prayer?” I tighten the grip on my knees against the second wave of cramps.

A female angel enters to relieve her colleague. “My goodness, it reeks in here,” she says to him. “How can you stand it?” The new angel brushes past me and yanks open a window. She inhales deeply. The cool air makes the perspiration on my neck tingle. She introduces herself and sits down, crossing one leg over the other. She wears support hose and a crisp white uniform.

“You’re doing fine. You’ve been praying for what? Seven and a half minutes, nearly eight. Give God another five or ten more, and you’ll be surprised by what he does with it.”

I wait a while longer. The no-nonsense angel crosses her arms and taps her forefinger on one elbow. She watches my distractions emerge, taunt me, and then leave. One look from
her tells them they are not welcome to return. When the last one departs, so does she, quietly closing the door behind her.

Finally I am alone with soft feathers and silence. In the solitude, I hear God’s heart beating. Or is it mine? Or is it both? We are connected by a wordless umbilical cord.

This is prayer?

This is prayer.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty…
He will cover you with his feathers
And under his wings you will find refuge.
– Psalm 91:1,4

Credits and notes:
Feather 1 by Jim Champion. Used with permission.
“In the Shelter of God’s Wings”,  first published in the Mennonite Herald, October 2010,  is also in Stories of an Everyday Pilgrim by Esther Hizsa, 2015.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2015.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Popular Posts, Prayer, Stories, Stories of an Everyday Pilgrim | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment