Praying in the Cracks

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

Not that long ago, the idea of spending time alone with God in silence was not even on my radar. But God knew how much I needed this and invited me to “pray in the cracks.” This post was originally published in 2013. I hope you enjoy reading it.

joannagoddard.blogspot.comI went to my first spiritual director a dozen years ago while I was studying at Regent College.

After a few sessions my director said gently, “You have a lot of noisy, discouraging tapes playing in your head. I can’t compete with them.”

I swallowed hard. “What can I do?”

“Do you pray?” she asked.

“Yes. Sometimes. Not as much as I’d like.”

“How about praying in the cracks?”

“The what?”

“The cracks. The spaces that naturally occur in your day as you walk from one class to another, as you stand in line at the grocery store, or even as you wait for an elevator.  In those spare moments, instead of thinking about what you need to do next or trying to solve problems, just allow God to love you.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes. Do you think you can do that?”

“Sure,” I said skeptically.

“Trust me. If you pray in the cracks, it will change your life.”

As I walked from her office to the bus stop, I decided to try it. I began to pray and all kinds of thoughts flooded into my mind: things I should pray for, things I should do. Then I looked down at a crack in the sidewalk and stopped. Just allow God to love you, she had said.

jesusneedsnewpr.netLeaves—golden and red—caught my eye. Dry brown ones crunched under foot. I listened to the birds and the laughter in the distance, and I thought about being God’s beloved child.

After that, whenever I found myself waiting for anything (and remembered to pray), I quieted my heart and imagined God saying to me, “You are my beloved child, with you I am well pleased.”

In those cracks God deposited seeds of Christ’s kingdom. Before long I found myself relaxing in the shade of a mustard tree, with more freedom to pray and enjoy God’s presence.

A dozen years later I still pray in the cracks. And those old tapes? They’re not as loud as they used to be.

The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
–Zephaniah 3:17 (NKJV)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

LA Evans-2014

Lesley-Anne Evans is the Creative Curator at Metro Community where she works with street people in Kelowna, B.C.. One of her initiatives is a blog Holding Out Hope, which gives them a voice. She quotes Phillip Stanhope who said that many people would “rather you heard their story than granted their request.” Lesley-Anne says, “We are all created in the image of God, and therefore creative. I love to coming alongside others as they discover, engage, contribute and celebrate their creative gifts.” Lesley-Anne says what’s most meaningful to her is being present and listening. Through this, she has begun to experience the rawness of the street community and the gift of holding space without judgement.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Photo from The Bean and Bear
Painting by Christian Asuh
Photo of Lesley-Anne Evans used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Homelessness, Popular Posts, Prayer, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Rescued

Posted on July 22, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

Creación_de_Adán_(Miguel_Ángel)As I looked back on my eight-day retreat, I saw the through-line of a story. It began with God’s whispers of love and a gentle awareness that I had been guarding and protecting my heart from God.

At the beginning of the retreat, I reflected on what drew me away from God in the past year and noticed something I enjoyed doing. It was not sinful in itself, but I sensed I enjoyed this pleasure too much. However, it seemed so insignificant, that I didn’t mention it to my retreat director. But when I imagined myself in the temple and heard the pharisee tell it like it was, I knew this pleasure was insidious. I loved it more than God.

“No one can serve two masters,” Father Alwyn had said in his homily one morning during the retreat. “They will hate one and love the other.” These words came back to me in my prayers, as did the psalmist’s words about idols: “They have eyes but do not see, ears but can’t hear . . . and those who make them are like them.”

Ignatius also warned of the danger of inordinate attachments. In this paraphrase of Ignatius’s Principle and Foundation, he writes,

All the things in this world are gifts of God, presented to us so that we can know God more easily and make a return of love more readily. . .  But if any of these gifts become the centre of our lives, they displace God and so hinder our growth as loving persons.

Another love had led me astray, and its pleasure numbed me from feeling God’s feelings and my own as I interacted with others, read scripture or prayed.

But God pursued me and invited me to come away and rest from this pleasure. And there Jesus wooed me back.

When you read about my experience, what goes on for you? Do you hear that God loves you just as passionately? Perhaps you feel discouraged or abandoned by God, because this has not been your experience.

Creación_de_Adán_(Miguel_Ángel)

We can’t orchestrate intimate encounters with God. In fact, Teresa of Avila warns us not to pursue them. But I suspect that God initiates divine encounters–both fleeting and grand–far more than we realize. What keeps them at bay?

Years of offering spiritual direction have shown me that the reasons we don’t experience God more are diverse and complicated. We can’t figure it out or fix it any more than we can control God’s actions. But what we can do is listen to the ache in our souls to connect with God. We can take that ache to Jesus and ask him to rescue us. We can ask him to open our hearts to see, hear and feel his love.

And then see what happens.

Jesus says, “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

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Let me not run from the love which you offer. . .
Keep calling to me
until that day comes when, with your saints,
I may praise you forever.
—Soul of Christ Prayer
by David Fleming, SJ

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

people-984010_1280

When my friend Jeff is on public transit, he looks at the people around him and senses that they carry heavy burdens. Instead of distancing himself from his fellow passengers or feeling overwhelmed by their needs, he chooses to be present to them. He prays for them using a contemplative practice we teach in Living from the Heart. Without knowing their names or stories, he breathes in their suffering–not into himself but into Christ at the core of his being. Then he breathes Christ’s peace onto them. “It’s what I can do,” he says.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

 Credits and References:
“Creation of Adam” by Michelangelo (1475-1564) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
Matthew 6:24; Psalm 115:4-8; Matthew 11:28
David Fleming’s paraphrase is partly taken from here and from Draw Me Into Your Friendship: A Literal Translation and a Contemporary Reading of the Spiritual Exercises by David L. Fleming, SJ
The Life of Saint Teresa of Avila by Herself, 11.13; Interior Castle 6.9
“Rest” by Aftab Uzzaman. Used with permission.
Photo of person on bus from Pixabay.com. Creative commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Reflections, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What a Good Person Looks Like

Posted on July 15, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

3589766729_b062a4b073_oI left my outer robe at the bottom of the sycamore and climbed into its branches. I had heard Jesus was coming this way and wanted to see what a good person looked like. Up in the tree with my bare limbs exposed, enemies took advantage of my vulnerability and threw stones at me.

Jesus saw this and came running. “Stop! Stop!” he yelled. One by one my accusers dropped their stones as Jesus put one hand on the trunk of the tree and held the other out to me. “Esther, come down.”

When I prayed with this story of Zacchaeus on my eight-day retreat, the picture of Jesus coming to my aid moved me to tears. It still does.

At the beginning of the retreat, God’s loving whispers in the psalms gently washed over me. Wave after wave glistened the surface of my heart like rocks on a beach. Finally my heart cracked open, and love saturated my soul. In the prayer periods that followed, Jesus told me that he never tires of being with me, and I rested, like the beloved disciple, with my head on his chest.

But when I returned to pray with this story of Zacchaeus, I felt drawn to the tree. Once again I shed my thick cloak and climbed back up where I would feel all that life pummelled at me. I stood on a branch and looked for Jesus in the crowd below, but he wasn’t there. Instead he was in the tree behind me. He put his hand over mine.

Someone shouted from below, “If the Lord likes you, why doesn’t he help you?” Similar words had been hurled at Jesus on another tree.

The only way down from this cross was to take up my cloak, harden my heart, and walk away from Jesus. That thought brought tears to my eyes.

“You’re a good person,” Jesus said to me.

His words puzzled me. Here, up in the tree, there’s no hiding all that I am from God or anyone else. There’s no protecting myself from joy or sorrow: the fear that one will leave and the other won’t. Here, in this place with his hand over mine, Jesus called me good.

I sat down on the branch and leaned back into his goodness. I leaned into this good God who welcomes all my joys and sorrows.

moonbeams_by_jessie_willcox_smith_print-raf74f29c46f64a40acf53e386e34f3b8_tqm_8byvr_512

May the shelter I seek
be the shadow of your cross.
—Soul of Christ Prayer
by David Fleming, SJ

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

2627204317_46a1d75b70_b“I woke early on July 1st. I was so excited to go to work,” writes my friend Theresa. “I had flags, a six-foot banner, pinwheels, and head bands with tassels and Canadian flags on them–all to decorate the pie shop with. I had told everyone at work we were going to celebrate Canada’s birthday. I wanted everyone at work to enjoy the day and, in turn, make sure every customer left happier than when they came in. That was my plan of love mischief for the day.

“Well. . . I missed my bus. So now I had to go the long way into work through downtown Vancouver and get on the Granville station escalator that scares me, because I know it’s going to shred me to death one day. But when I rode the escalator, I was thinking so much about my plans, that I was off the escalator before I had a chance to feel afraid.

“As I walked up the block to my bus connection, I saw a man sleeping on the sidewalk. He had an empty paper cup by his head. I noticed a bit of change, some candy wrappers and other garbage beside him. I then noticed his feet sticking out from under his thin blanket. His socks were wet and had holes in them. I don’t give to pan-handlers. I was one once, and I know the money rarely goes to food. But I couldn’t walk past him. I put some change in his cup but wouldn’t let go of the loonies I needed for my laundry.

“As I waited at the bus stop, I felt selfish for only leaving nickels and dimes. My heart/God said, ‘Give more, give more, give more.’  So I walked back across the street and bent down to put a five dollar bill in his cup, being careful not to disturb him. But I was concerned that the minute I turned my back someone would steal it from him. So I slipped it under the sweater that was his pillow without waking him.

“I got to work forty minutes later than planned, and faced many challenges (the first being my walk-in cooler going down resulting in the need to call a repair man on a stat holiday and other things too boring to mention). But every time these challenges were about to bring me down, I thought about the man on the sidewalk. I imagined him rising to more money in his cup than when he went to sleep and THEN finding five dollars under his sweater on Canada Day and being even happier than when he first woke up. And I smiled, for God is a way better planner than I am.”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Zacchaeus Tree” by Victor Chapa Used with permission.
Zacchaeus story Luke 19:1-10
John leaning on Jesus John 21:20
Psalm 22:8; Matthew 27:43
“Moonbeams” by Jessie Wilcox Smith (September 6, 1863 – May 3, 1935)
“Happy Canada Day” by Bill Barber. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Cracked Open: Part Two

Posted on July 8, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

publican iconAfter the pharisee listed my faults publicly and loudly, I began to weep. It was all true. I prayed, “Lord God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

My heart cracked open. I was now painfully aware of the extent to which my desires for pleasure, praise, prestige and power had hardened my heart and entombed my deepest desire. “Give me only your love and grace,” I prayed. “Let that be enough for me.”

When Edmund, the spiritual director for my eight-day retreat, had sent me back to pray with the parable of the tax collector and the pharisee, he said, “Be sure to let Jesus find you when you leave the temple.”

And Jesus did. He was waiting for me outside; he looked at me lovingly and took me by the arm. “Come with me,” he said. The next moment I was seated, and Jesus had a wash basin and towel. He was washing my feet.

Dirck_van_Baburen_-_Christ_Washing_the_Apostles_Feet_-_WGA1090“No!” I protested. “I don’t deserve this.” But Jesus continued to bathe my feet. He was so close that I reached out and placed my hand on his head. He looked up at me, and I saw tears in his eyes. And then my hand was on his bearded cheek. And then he kissed my palm. That exquisite kiss sent such a profound wave of acceptance through me, that I could hardly stay in my skin. I wept and wept.

When Jesus finished washing my feet, I wiped my tears and opened my eyes. I was back in the chapel at Camel Hill. I still had fifteen minutes left in the hour allotted for my prayer, so I closed my eyes and returned to be with Jesus. As I did, I remembered that no one washed his feet at that last supper.

“Let me wash yours,” I said to Jesus.

“All right,” he said. “Meet me at Simon the pharisee’s house.”

And suddenly I was in that story, kneeling behind Jesus washing his feet with my tears and wiping them with the long hair I used to have as a child.

In my prayer, Simon turned out to be the same pharisee was who had humiliated me in the temple. He scowled at me.

Jesus saw it and said, “Simon, let me tell you something.”

Even though I know how the story goes, I expected Jesus to say, “She’s a sinner but she’s okay.” But he kept to the script. “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown.” 

Now it was the pharisee who was stunned and humbled.

I was honoured and set free to follow my heart’s deepest desire. 

Hope by Fr Lawrence Lew, O.P.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding,
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me.
– Ignatius of Loyola

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

kevin-lee-newcomers-choir.jpg.opt396x276o0,0s396x276Kudos to love mischief maker Kevin Lee for organizing Music in the Community on June 25. Kevin, who is a local opera singer, obtained a grant to promote neighbourliness in New Westminster. He and his long-time friends Heidi Braacx and Karina Inkster (aka the Cranky Molluscs) invited other local musicians to perform at Holy Trinity Cathedral. Artists included six talented soloists including one who composed his own song, the Newcomers’ Choir which Kevin conducts, the Heritage Uke Club and, of course, the Cranky Molluscs.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“The Publican and the Pharisee Icon” by  Ted Used with permission.
“Christ Washing the  Apostles Feet” Dirck van Baburen (circa 1594/1595–1624) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons (John 13:1-11)
Woman washes Jesus feet with her tears is in Luke 7:38-50.
“Hope” by Fr Lawrence Lew, O.P.. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Poverty of Spirit, Prayer, Reflections, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Cracked Open: Part One

Posted on July 1, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

“I’d like you to begin the retreat by praying with Psalm 139,” said Edmund, the young Jesuit who was my spiritual director for the eight days I spent alone with God.

My room at Carmel Hill Formation House in Deroche opened onto a little patio and a forest of evergreen trees, foxglove and hundreds of wild orange poppies. I pulled up a rock for a foot stool and opened my Bible to the familiar psalm. The reality of God’s love enfolded me with peace. Memories of God’s attentiveness came to mind–as did many distractions. The hour was long, and I was relieved when it was over.

The next morning I returned to Psalm 139. I waited and fidgeted in the silence.

When I met with Edmund later that day, I read aloud the short summaries of what came out of my prayers. In response he gave me four more prayer assignments including a lectio on Psalm 91.

“I was surprised at how many times the words ‘defend’ and ‘protect’ were in Psalm 91. I sensed God’s desire to defend and protect me. I could picture myself having more freedom if I stopped guarding my heart. I’d be more present to others,” I told Edmund when we met the third time.

But Edmund was not impressed with my insights and asked me to pray with Luke 18:9-14, the parable of the tax collector and the pharisee. He invited me to use my imagination to enter into the story, and let it unfold.

So I did. I pictured myself in the place of the tax collector and imagined his life and what brought him to this penitent place. I hoped his story would open me to mine, but both times I prayed with the passage I felt disconnect from my remorse or any other deep feeling. I knew I couldn’t “push the river,” so I let it go and was at peace with what was given.

But Edmund wasn’t. I tried to talk him out of it, but he sent me off a third time to pray with the parable. 

the publican and the P iconI thought it might help if I knelt down to pray in the chapel. Once again I imagined myself in the place of that tax collector. This time I heard the pharisee pray loudly for all in the temple to hear, “I thank you, God, that I am not greedy, dishonest, or unfaithful to you, like Esther over there.” Hearing my name shocked me. The tall man went on to list my faults and failures liberally using disparaging adjectives.

Truth ripped my soul and I began to sob. I wept and wept, crying out to God for mercy. “Make him stop accusing me,” I prayed to God, and yet I was thankful that his words cracked me open.

After a while I sat back on the pew and took a deep breath. I knew I was forgiven and was grateful for it, but when I looked to the future and knew I couldn’t stop my hurtful behaviours, I wept again.

This was the pain that I had protected and defended my heart from feeling. This was the pain that Jesus wanted to soothe.

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A repentant and contrite heart,
O Merciful One,
is the gift you most desire.
—Psalm 51:17 
Psalms for Praying by Nan C. Merrill

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

CCS_Little_Flower_Souvenir_ProgramCarmel Hill is a dream come true for the Discalced Carmelites of the Karnataka Goa Province (India). In April 2012 Helen Chua Tiampo agreed to donate a piece of land to the Carmelites through Fr. Rudolf V. D’Souza. Not long afterwards, 20 acres of land with a beautiful house was found in Deroche, a small community in the Fraser Valley, 85 km east of Vancouver, and Little Flower Formation House was built. Father Alwyn and Bother Joseph welcome all who, like the Carmelites, are drawn to contemplation to come and rest in God’s love and beauty.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“California Poppy: Closed for the Season” by Philip Bouchard. Used with permission.
“California Golden Poppy II” by Thea.Rose Used with permission.
“The Publican and the Pharisee Icon” by  Ted Used with permission.
Photos of Carmel Hill are used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Poverty of Spirit, Prayer, Reflections, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Come

Posted on June 24, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

I returned from my eight-day retreat carefully cradling my tender heart. In the coming weeks, I will talk about what happened. It’s changed how I see and hear God, myself and scripture.

Yesterday I read Matthew 7:21-27 and heard it in a new way.

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

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What if the kingdom of heaven Jesus has in mind is less about where we go when we die and more about the reality of God’s love for us here and now?

What if our thoughts about God and our prayers to God only lead us to the door of this reality but not in?

What if entering into that kingdom of love requires vulnerability? That means not just naming or talking about our emotions with God but feeling them?

Rembrandt_Harmensz._van_Rijn_-_The_Return_of_the_Prodigal_Son_-_Father_and_Son

What if seeing and doing the will of God is less about completing tasks or assignments and more about allowing Jesus to express the full extent of his love for us and allowing ourselves to experience the full extent of our need for him?

What if remaining firmly on the rock despite the storm is not a portrait of strength but a revelation that we are held in God’s heart?

What if the words Jesus wants us to put into practice that grant us entrance into his kingdom are not: stand firm, be perfect or leave your life of sin? (Jesus knows these are all impossible unless we are already in the kingdom of vulnerability.) No. I think Jesus has one word for us: come.

“Come,” God says, “let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.'”

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

HenriNouwenHenri Nouwen should be canonised the patron saint of love-mischief makers. Through his life and writings, his vulnerability enabled us to welcome both our brokenness and God’s love. The last paragraph of today’s post is from this quote of Nouwen’s from Show Me the Way: Daily Lenten Readings. “God does not require a pure heart before embracing us. Even if we return only because following our desires has failed to bring happiness, God will take us back . . . ‘Come,’ God says, ‘let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”'”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“The Rolling Tempest Pescadero State Beach” by Justin Kern. Used with permission.
“The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Rembrandt from Wikimedia Creative Commons.
Portrait of Henri Nouwen Wikimedia Creative Commons.
The last paragraph of today’s post is from Show Me the Way: Daily Lenten Readings by Henri Nouwen.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Mystical, Popular Posts, Poverty of Spirit, Prayer, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Anointed

Posted on June 17, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

“Wow, what a powerful quote! It would be awesome if the world could live like this,” said a friend after reading this quote from last week’s blog post.

You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behaviour is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear. —Gregory Boyle, SJ.

My friend and I talked about the quote and how it reminded us of the people we share a meal with at the Wednesday Lunch Club. Later on in our conversation, I mentioned a drifter who was back in town. “I saw him in a grocery store and tried to get out of there as quickly as I could,”  I said and went on to explain my actions. I met this fellow when I was working as a pastor. He drained the staff of time and energy. We tried to listen to him and love him, but it was never enough. I was relieved when he moved on.

I remembered what I had said about the drifter when I opened my heart to pray the next morning. As I replayed the conversation in my mind, I humbly realized I had defended my right not to stand with this belligerent man.

God was grateful for my noticing and led me to this Syrian icon of the Pentecost.

RabulaGospelsFolio14vPentecost

Peter is standing with strangers from many nations. They are all saints, not because they are a cut above the rest, but because the Spirit rests upon them, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done.

God was inviting me to see this drifter with a halo around his head and anointed with tongues of fire, even if he isn’t living into this reality. I don’t have to save him. I don’t have to engage him in conversation (although sometimes I may want to). But I do need to love him. Because whoever loves God loves all that God loves.

Santalum_album_(Chandan)_in_Hyderabad,_AP_W2_IMG_0023

The Sandalwood Tree

The sandalwood tree shares its lovely scent
with any who come near.
God is like that.

Does the tree ever think to itself,

I am not going to offer my fragrance to that man
because of what he did last night,

or to that woman who neglected her child,
or because of what we might have ever done?

It is not the way of God

to hoard.

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Love Mischief for the World

Rublevtrinität_ubtThis week I am away with four other spiritual directors on my second eight-day Ignatian retreat. It is a silent retreat (except when each of us meet daily with our director). We’ll have four or five one-hour prayer periods a day and, in the hours between, I’ll rest, go for walks or bike rides or relax with a puzzle or handcraft. I can imagine much love mischief happening as we are hosted by the Trinity.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth? Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion by Gregory Boyle, SJ,
Pentecost from the Rabbula Gospels and the artist/scribe is Meister des Rabula-Evangeliums. The Rabbula Gospel images come from an illuminated gospel text created in 586 at a monastery in Syria.  The images are in the public domain.
“Whoever loves God loves all that God loves” is from a song by Steve Bell on Pilgrimage and is based on 1 John 4:21.
White or East Indian Sandalwood or Chandan Santalum album in Hyderabad , India. by  J.M.Garg. Wikimedia/Creative commons.
Excerpt from “The Sandalwood Tree” is from A Year with Hafiz: Daily Contemplations by Daniel Ladinsky. Used with permission
Icon of three angels hosted by Abraham by Andrei Rublev (1360-1430) Wikimedia Creative Commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Overeating, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Brave Thoughts

Posted on June 10, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

So I went as I was to the annual gathering of SoulStream, our dispersed contemplative community. In an afternoon session, Andrea, one of SoulStream’s founding partners, read this quote from Gregory Boyle‘s Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion.

You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behaviour is recognised for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.

Father Gregory Boyle stands surrounded by former gang members who have become his friends, employees.

Father Gregory Boyle stands surrounded by former gang members who have become his friends and employees.

Andrea let that sink in. Let our imaginations picture ourselves standing with the hopeless people in our lives. Let us imagine how kinship–acceptance, love, and belonging–might succeed success. Let us feel the expansiveness of that divine thought.

Then she said, “Can you stand with yourself that way? What would it be like to offer kinship to yourself?”

I sat quietly with her question, and a thought that was never allowed to be heard took a brave step forward. What if I’m never successful at losing weight? What if I never again enjoy the body I once had? What if I’m never freed from my compulsion to overeat? Can I befriend myself and let that friendship be more dear to me than success?

Gail and meAs I held these questions, I recalled the comment my friend Gail Koombes (right) added to last week’s post. She wrote, “Remember that there is always someone, myself for one, that would love to be your winter weight.” I thought of all the overweight people reading my blog. I wondered if they were thinking: Wow, if she dislikes herself for being fat, what must she think of me?

Well, I’ll tell you. When I think of Gail my heart goes mushy. She’s feisty, fun, compassionate, loyal, and wise. When I see Gail, I see someone beautiful.

“Bella,” a SoulStream partner said to me as we embraced before parting. Bella. He called me beautiful. Another brave thought made its way forward: he sees me the way I see Gail.

As my kin stand with me, I am learning to stand with myself and embrace bella me.

The Lover, God, says to you and me,

My dove,
hiding in the caves high on the cliff,
hidden here on the mountain,
let me see you,
let me hear your voice.
Your voice is so pleasant,
and you are so beautiful!
—Song of Songs 2:14 (ERV)

Thorny Beauty∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

11950161_10207032887196167_7095044902446166170_oAt our SoulStream partner gathering, Dave and Shauna Gill of Kaleden, B.C., told me about the ginger snap cookie bake-off they hosted. Shauna said, “The panel of judges was well represented with a father and son who required gluten-free, a chef, Dave, and the fifteen year-old-girl who babysits the kids, cats and chickens for many in this group of neighbours. The judges were blindfolded and subjected to slow, serious tasting with sips of water to cleanse the palate. One woman phoned ahead, needing to know many minute details about the competition. She seemed quite nervous. In the end, it was her gluten-free entry which won that category, and her smile at winning the bottle of wine went from ear to ear. A great time of kinship ensued, and there is more comfort and friendliness that passes between us all whenever we run into each other in the neighbourhood.” I had to ask, “Who won the competition?”  “Shauna won the regular snap,” Dave said proudly. “Although the gluten-free one was really good too.”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Photo of Father G. and friends by http://www.evangelicalsforsocialaction.org/.
“Thorny Beauty” by Stuart Williams. Used with permission.
Photo of Gail and me by Fred Hizsa. Used with permission.
Photo of Dave and Shauna Gill used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Overeating, Poverty of Spirit, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Naked and Unashamed

Posted on June 3, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

Abreha_and_Atsbeha_Church_-_Adam_and_Eve_01

God’s been listening to my thoughts again–not just the chatter in my head but the deep sighs of my heart.

You know those dreams where you’re scrambling to make something happen, it’s not coming together, and time’s running out? I’ve experienced that now more than once and wished I could wake up. While on my way to speak at a retreat, I was suddenly convinced I’d chosen the wrong outfit to wear. It’s June already, and there’s no way I’ll lose the weight I gained over the winter before summer arrives. More and more I feel like I’m living another dream: the one where I’m out in public completely naked.

I don’t want people to see me as I am. I want them to see me as I’d like to be.

Meanwhile, God hears the groans I will not pray and answers with a song.

Take, o take me as I am.
Summon out what I shall be.
Set your seal upon my heart
and live in me.

That song popped into my head one morning out of nowhere. I hadn’t heard it for a long time. In it God gave me words to pray for life as it is right now–between the dreaming and the coming true. In this song, I also heard God’s prayer for me: that I would take myself as I am–including my impatience around my own self-acceptance.

A few days after the Holy Spirit sang that song to me, Fred and I had dinner with old friends. The next night we shared a meal with new friends. None of these people are blind. They see us as we are and want to be with us, because they love us as we are.

Tears come as I write this. God is listening again.

God has found me hiding in the garden. “Come out,” God says softly. “Be naked and unashamed.”

Gardem of Eden

And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.
–Genesis 3:25

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Love Mischief for the World

soulstream imagesToday I will join many from SoulStream, a dispersed Christian contemplative community, for a weekend retreat. I look forward to chatting, eating, laughing, and praying with them. During our time together, we will be invited to deepen our “trust that despite all evidence to the contrary, God will accomplish God’s loving redemption toward the fulfilment of all things in Christ” (one of our core values) and let ” the seed crack open” in us as we explore what love-mischief we can do for the world.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Take, O, Take Me as I Am” by John Bell
“All Life” by Ron Guest. Used with permission.
Adam and Eve depicted in a mural in Abreha wa Atsbeha Church, Ethiopia. From Wikimedia.
“Between the dreaming and the coming true” is the title of a book by Robert Benson.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Creation, Overeating, Poverty of Spirit, Reflections, Songs, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Being Loved in Distant Places

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Esther Hizsa

IMG_3952“Your sister really loves you,” a friend said after I told her about my trip to Gatineau, Quebec to visit my sister and her family. During that week I was touched again by Sylvia’s generosity and thoughtfulness. From buying my airplane ticket to arranging hikes and bicycle rides, to moving and cleaning a couch for our niece, she displayed God’s hands and heart.

I felt deliciously spoiled. I also felt humbled and saw where I needed to grow. Yet, I knew I couldn’t make this happen any more than I could make myself grow taller.

As I pondered this, I remembered some wise counsel by a Jesuit priest. In essence he said that if we want to become more Christlike, we need to ask God for more love. The more love we are given, the more freedom we will have to live generously and thoughtfully.

That’s what God was already doing! Over the years, God heard the child in me, like a hungry Oliver, holding up my heart like an empty bowl and saying, “Please sir, I want some more.” And God has filled it–again and again.

Receiving God’s love, given in a myriad of ways, creates a spaciousness that opens me to others. So I find that when God shows me small ways to be generous or thoughtful, I’m more able to respond. I don’t do it to get anything, because I don’t need anything. God’s love is more than enough. I’ve always known that theoretically, but God is bringing this message to the distant places in my soul that only hoped it was true.

Hold on by Luc De Leeuw

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me. —Ignatius Loyola

Love Mischief for the World

Knits for PitsJoAnna Rickard started Knits for Pits in January 2015 to help raise money for HugABull Rescue and Advocacy. She writes, “My little dog, Chia, is the inspiration behind everything I do. I want to make sure that all dog owners can find housing and feel safe travelling without fear of having their dogs taken away and euthanized just because of their breed. Heidi Braacx has helped my dream of being able to help animals without harming them with her amazing vegan yarn. I’m so grateful I’ve been able to combine my two passions of knitting and dogs!”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and references:
Photo of Sylvia (on right) and me taken by Claude Lemire. Used with permission.
“Hold On” by Luc De Leeuw. Detail of a stained glass window representing Father Damian and a leper. Used with permission.
“Knits for Pits” by JoAnna Rickard. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2016.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014, 2015.2016.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Childhood, Creation, Ignatian Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments