God’s been listening to my thoughts again–not just the chatter in my head but the deep sighs of my heart.
You know those dreams where you’re scrambling to make something happen, it’s not coming together, and time’s running out? I’ve experienced that now more than once and wished I could wake up. While on my way to speak at a retreat, I was suddenly convinced I’d chosen the wrong outfit to wear. It’s June already, and there’s no way I’ll lose the weight I gained over the winter before summer arrives. More and more I feel like I’m living another dream: the one where I’m out in public completely naked.
I don’t want people to see me as I am. I want them to see me as I’d like to be.
Meanwhile, God hears the groans I will not pray and answers with a song.
Take, o take me as I am.
Summon out what I shall be.
Set your seal upon my heart
and live in me.
That song popped into my head one morning out of nowhere. I hadn’t heard it for a long time. In it God gave me words to pray for life as it is right now–between the dreaming and the coming true. In this song, I also heard God’s prayer for me: that I would take myself as I am–including my impatience around my own self-acceptance.
A few days after the Holy Spirit sang that song to me, Fred and I had dinner with old friends. The next night we shared a meal with new friends. None of these people are blind. They see us as we are and want to be with us, because they love us as we are.
Tears come as I write this. God is listening again.
God has found me hiding in the garden. “Come out,” God says softly. “Be naked and unashamed.”
And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.
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Today I will join many from SoulStream, a dispersed Christian contemplative community, for a weekend retreat. I look forward to chatting, eating, laughing, and praying with them. During our time together, we will be invited to deepen our “trust that despite all evidence to the contrary, God will accomplish God’s loving redemption toward the fulfilment of all things in Christ” (one of our core values) and let ” the seed crack open” in us as we explore what love-mischief we can do for the world.