Loving Certain People

Posted on March 3, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

linus“I love mankind. It’s people I can’t stand,” exclaimed Linus Van Pelt decades ago in the cartoon strip Peanuts.

Perhaps it’s more accurate to say, “It’s certain people I can’t stand.”

When I see certain people do things that annoy me, I think, “That was stupid (or harsh, thoughtless etc). Then I turn to whoever is close by and tell them what I’m thinking.

I see. I judge. I talk.

This scenario gets ramped up ten notches when certain people hurt me. Now I’m not annoyed; I’m angry. It’s hard then, for the person who listens to me not to see that certain person through the same negative lens. My reaction is justified.

But what does the Inner Voice of Love say? Love your enemies. Be kind to the people in your life that annoy and anger you. 

“Cover their sins,” God says, now speaking through the words of the Desert Mothers and Fathers.

There was a brother at Scetis who had committed a fault. So they called a meeting and invited Abba Moses. He refused to go. The priest sent someone to say to him, “They’re all waiting for you.” So Moses got up and set off; he took a leaky jug and filled it with water and took it with him. The others came out to meet him and said, “What is this, Father?’” The old man said to them, “My sins run out behind me and I cannot see them, yet here I am coming to sit in judgment on the mistakes of someone else.” When they heard this they called the meeting off.

I read this story in Where God Happens: Discovering God in One Another by Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. Williams explains,

To assume the right to judge or to assume that you have arrived at a settled spiritual maturity that entitles you to prescribe confidently at a distance for another’s sickness, is in fact to leave others without the therapy they need for their souls; it is to cut them off from God . . . But the plain acknowledgment of your solidarity in need and failure opens a door: it shows that it is possible to live in the truth and to go forward in hope.

When I see, judge, and talk about another, I keep them from getting what they need to live in a way that doesn’t annoy or anger others. I make things worse.

But when I see another’s need to be loved and stand with them in humility–remembering that I annoy and anger people sometimes too–I open the door of hope. In fact, Williams says, I become “a place where God happens for somebody else.”

Lord, help me notice when I sit in judgment on the mistakes of others and help me to stand instead. Help me to stand with them in need, failure, and humility. 

two-friends-girls

With That Moon Language
—Hafiz

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
“Love me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud;
otherwise,
someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
this great pull in us
to connect.
Why not become the one
who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,
with that sweet moon
language,
what every other eye in this world
is dying to
hear.

Questions for your Lenten pilgrimage:

  • How do you respond to people you can’t stand?
  • What would it look like to stand with them in solidarity of need and failure?
  • How is Jesus helping you live with a full moon in each eye?

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

Vancouver Police Department’s Staff Sergeant Mark Horsley went undercover as a person with mobility and cognitive disabilities in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside. According to Wikipedia, “[The DTES] area, one of the city’s oldest, is notorious for its open-air drug trade, sex work, poverty, mental illness, homelessness, infectious disease, and crime. It is also known for its strong community resilience and history of social activism.” Horsley wanted to catch criminals attacking and robbing people who cannot easily defend themselves. But, instead of catching crooks, he caught a lot of love. He was not disappointed.  

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References
Banner image “Love” by Dustin Gaffke. Used with permission.
Photo of Peanuts’ Linus Van Pelt by Austin Kleon. Used with permission.
“Two friends” by ASIM CHAUDHURI. Used with permission.
“With that Moon Language” by Hafiz (1325–1389) translated by Daniel Ladinsky in Love Poems from God, 2002. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Lent, Poetry, Poverty of Spirit, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

DIY Prayer Retreat #9: Living Out Our God-Created Identity

Posted on March 2, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

Here is another one-day prayer/silent retreat outline I put together for our contemplative group. You’ll find the introduction to Do It Yourself group prayer retreats here and other outlines under resources.

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Living Out Our God-Created Identity

Introduction:

Gather together, light a candle and take time to rest in God’s spacious and generous love in silence or as you listen to music.

Read aloud the following texts and poem:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. –-Matthew 5:43-48 (NRSV)

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

“In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” –-Matthew 5:43-48 (The Message)

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With That Moon Language
-Hafiz

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
“Love me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud;
otherwise,
someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
this great pull in us
to connect.
Why not become the one
who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,
with that sweet moon
language,
what every other eye in this world
is dying to
hear.

What goes on in you as hear this teaching of Jesus or read this poem? What feelings arise?

 

PERSONAL PRAYER PERIOD #1

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36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee’s house and took his place at the table. 37 And a woman in the city, who was a sinner, having learned that he was eating in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster jar of ointment. 38 She stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet with her tears and to dry them with her hair. Then she continued kissing his feet and anointing them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw it, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what kind of woman this is who is touching him—that she is a sinner.” 40 Jesus spoke up and said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” “Teacher,” he replied, “speak.” 41 “A certain creditor had two debtors; one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 When they could not pay, he cancelled the debts for both of them. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he cancelled the greater debt.” And Jesus said to him, “You have judged rightly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman, he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has bathed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which were many, have been forgiven; hence she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” 48 Then he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” 49 But those who were at the table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” 50 And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” –Luke 7:36-50

Option #1:

  1. Read this passage and picture the story taking place. Imagine the details of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch, but do it in a very specific way: put yourself in Simon’s place. You are a person of high standing. This is your house and you have invited Jesus to visit you. Imagine how you might look forward to this meal with Jesus. What goes on for you when this “enemy” pushes her way in uninvited? How do you feel when Jesus shows her such love and honour? Notice the tone in Jesus’ voice as he speaks of her and to her as well as when he speaks with you. What emerges in you as you hear what he says?
  2. The gospel story stops here, but your story doesn’t. Knowing how deeply Jesus loves you and always works for your greater good, what happens next? What do you and Jesus do or talk about?
  3. How do you feel toward your “enemy” now? Talk honestly with Jesus about this.

Option#2:

  1. Think of a recent, specific event in which you found it difficult to love someone. Using your imagination return to that moment with Jesus. What happens? How does Jesus care for you and for them?
  2. How do you feel toward your enemy now? Talk honestly with Jesus about this.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE FOR BOTH OPTIONS AND ALL PRAYERS:

When our actions fall short, we often see Jesus in two ways that are false. We may see Jesus colluding with us and joining us in disliking our enemy or we may see Jesus shaming us into becoming what we “should” be. But there is a truer way Jesus wants to be with us. Jesus looks at us honestly and lovingly. He knows how and why we fall short of loving others. Instead of judging us, he wants to give us more love and awaken us to live out of our “God-created identity.” Is there some compassion, graciousness, or  generosity  awakening in you for yourself and for your enemy?

PERSONAL PRAYER PERIOD #2

  • Re-read Luke 7:36-50 (above)

Option #1:

  1. Imagine the scene again, but this time put yourself in the place of the sinful woman (your “sin” would be unique to you). Now you are the person who has been uninvited, judged and disrespected. Yet you are determined to anoint Jesus and express your love for him. What goes on for you as you hear Jesus accept, honour and defend you?
  2. The gospel story stops here, but your story doesn’t. Knowing how deeply Jesus loves Simon too, what happens next? What do you and Jesus do or talk about?
  3. How do you feel toward your “enemy” now? Talk honestly with Jesus about this.

Option #2:

  1. Recall a time when an “enemy” belittled, judged, dismissed or disrespected you. Invite Jesus to return with you to that moment. How do you feel as he stands up for you the way he stood up for the “sinful woman”?
  2. Take a good amount of time with Jesus to soak in his love and acceptance.
  3. Knowing how deeply Jesus loves Simon too, how do you feel toward your enemy now? Talk honestly with Jesus about this.

PERSONAL PRAYER PERIOD #3

  1. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind someone who feels like an enemy to you. It can be the same person you thought of earlier (if you did) or someone else.
  2. Imagine yourself in a favourite place with Jesus. Take some time to consider what that enemy did to you that hurt you so much and tell Jesus about it. Notice his compassion for you. How does he express his disdain for this injustice? Are there new details about this relationship that Jesus is bringing into the light?
  3. Take a leisurely amount of time to receive all the love and compassion Jesus wants to give you.
  4. When you are ready, talk to Jesus about the fact that he loves every one of us in the same way as his Father loves him. While it may be hard to believe that he loves your enemy that much, you know on some level that he does. Now ask Jesus to show you how he sees your enemy. What does he enjoy about them? How does this person, who is also made in God’s image, reflect Christ’s character?
  5. Instead of judging yourself or your enemy, Jesus wants to give you more love and awaken you to live out of our “God-created identity.” Is there a little compassion, graciousness, or generosity rising in you for yourself and for your enemy?

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Credits and Resources:
“With that Moon Language” by Hafiz (1325–1389) translated by Daniel Ladinsky in Love Poems from God, 2002. Used with permission.
The sculpture Reconciliation by Vasconcellos, showing two former enemies embracing each other, was erected in 1995 in the north aisle of the ruins of St Michael’s Cathedral, Coventry. (Destroyed during fire bombs during the Coventry Blitz on 14 November 1940). The text on the pedestal is in English and in Japanese. The English text reads: In 1995, 50 years after the end of the Second World War this sculpture by Josefina de Vasconcellos has been given by Richard Branson as a token of reconciliation. An identical sculpture has been placed on behalf of the people of Coventry in Peace Garden, Hiroshima, Japan. Both statues remind us that in the face of destructive forces, human dignity and love will triumph over disaster and bring nations together in respect and peace. Photo by Martinvl (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons)
“Charlie Brown Christmas Charlie Has Hope” by John Flannery. Used with permission.
“Christ in the House of Simon” by Dieric Bouts (circa 1420-1475) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.
“Dog & Cat” by紫流. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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That Much

Posted on February 28, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

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That Much

The dried palm of my life
burns to ash.
You mark me like Cain.
A wet cross on my head
says plain as day:

I NEED
Y
O
U

I wipe it off.

I don’t want
to need you
that much.

But I do.

I sneak out to meet you at night,
give back what I stole, expect to be stoned.
I am the hypocrite demoniac child,
awakened from sleep, called from the grave, found by the sea.
I gave no greeting, no kiss, except in the garden,
but you knew that I would
and still washed my feet.
I loved you and lied,
yet you look in my eyes,
see the ashes imposed on my forehead.

 

Credits and references:
“Preparing Ashes” (banner) by Fr Lawrence Lew, O.P. Used with permission.
“Palm Cross” by Colin Paterson. Used with permission.
“That Much” by Esther Hizsa
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Making Peace with My Humanity

Posted on February 24, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

3587392948_b1493e5726_bI had another dream where I was rushing against all odds to accomplish something important. I woke with urgency still fresh in my veins.

The day before, I tried to pack too much into my day and hurried to make dinner for friends. I don’t enjoy cooking; I find it time-consuming and stressful. I do it because we need to eat. I cook for friends when it’s my turn.

An hour before they arrived, I discovered the tomatoes for the pico de gallo were rotten and commandeered Fred to get more. In between warming and flipping tortillas in the cast iron pan, I made lemonade, checked the enchiladas, chopped cilantro and found bowls for the sour cream and guacamole, burning at least one tortilla in the process. Looking back on it now, I see the violent tone to my frantic pace, as I superhumanly forced so much into a single hour.

What if instead I made peace with my humanity and allowed myself a leisurely amount of time to enjoy what I was doing?

Just thinking about it eases me back into that sense of spaciousness I talked about last week.

The One who shares forever with me knows how much time it takes to prepare food. God doesn’t begrudge the inefficiency needed to find pleasure in it.

But I do. I want to do what I have to do as quickly as possible, so I have more time for what I want to do.

“What if you gave yourself ample time to enjoy both?” the God of Forever asks and goes on to quote 2 Corinthians 9:8. “I am able to provide you with every blessing in abundance, so that by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work.”

I let those words sink in. I have enough of everything I need. That includes time to savour the good work of cooking.

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He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
–Song of Solomon 2:4 (ESV)

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

08ae0f79-88b8-4817-9d5d-4d4ee637baa6-2Here’s Marina making the seafood crepes in the picture above for one of our monthly Scrabble and dinner nights. Marina, Wendy, Ingrid and Ed are excellent cooks. They enjoy creating delicious meals that are a delight to see, smell and taste. Although I am somewhat intimidated by their enthusiasm and artistry, their love of cooking doesn’t keep them from appreciating and enjoying what I cook too. They inspire me to have as much fun preparing food as I do finding seven letter words.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Banner image of chef by Artica Roma Restaurant from Pixabay. Used with permission.
“Cooking” by baron valium. Used with permission.
Scrabble night photos by Ed Dahl. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Forever

Posted on February 17, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

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I attended Ken’s memorial service on January 28. Hearing about his life reminded me of St.Irenaeus‘ quote, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Ken had lived life to the full. What he contributed to the world and how well he loved could be seen on the faces of those gathered to honour him.

No one gave a sermon, yet the subtext was clear: know why you’re here and make the most of the years you’ve been given. I was confident of the first part but not the second. How can I ever know I’ve done enough? What if, in that final moment, I cross the threshold with gaping holes of wasted life?

During the day, I brushed away my fears, but at night those questions wouldn’t let me sleep. But God, who neither slumbers nor sleeps, was awake too.

God reminded of what happened in spiritual direction when I experienced Jesus looking into my eyes with love. Once again, I imagined looking at him. When I did, I knew that in the moment of death, he would take my hand and lead me from this world into the next. “I will never leave you or forsake you,” Jesus promised.

It was a comforting picture, but I still envisioned myself in the next world, looking back at this one with regret.

The next evening I was reading The Showings of Julian of Norwich. One of her showings involved a tiny round ball, the size of a hazelnut. She understood that it represented all that is created. She wrote,

It seemed to me to be so little that it was on the verge of dissolving into nothingness. And then these words entered my understanding: It lasts, and will last forever, because God loves it. Everything that is, has its being through the love of God.

When I thought of the fragility of life and how easily we dissolve into the earth, I felt a wave of panic. But then I read the next line and my heart filled with peace. I will last forever because God loves me.

The following morning, I prepared to meet a directee on Skype, but the video feed was slow. Before we could begin, she had to go offline, shut down her computer and restart it. This took about ten minutes. As I waited, I felt restless. Precious minutes of my life were being spent like coins in a meter.

But there was nothing I could do about it. God knew that. I thought of Julian’s hazelnut and how it will last forever. Then I understood what God was showing me: God has a limitless supply of minutes, an eternity of them.

I relaxed into the spaciousness. Not a minute has been wasted.

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The Lord is my shepherd,
I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
–Psalm 23 (NIV)

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

biancaBianca Schiavone teaches fitness at my gym. She started teaching fitness classes at the age of 23, shortly after her first son was born. Since then she has continued taking courses, teaching, and training. She has completed two triathlons and competed in three body-building shows, making it to the BC Provincials in 2015. But none of this keeps this single mom from taking the time to coach her boys’ sports teams, help them with homework, and have fun with them. She says, “You can do anything you put your mind to. The key is to never give up.”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Hazelnut photo by Arcaion. From Pixabay used with permission.
Psalm 121:4, Deuteronomy 31:6
Quote from The Showings of Julian of Nowich (14th C), translated by Mirabai Starr.
“The Good Shepherd 73” by Waiting For The Word. Used with permission.
Photo of Bianca Schiavone and sons used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Wait for It

Posted on February 10, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

2071303135_cd1dde7d25_o“Even though I knew everything was going to be fine, I felt panicked,” I told Fred after I explained what happened with the car. “At first I thought this was happening to me because I was being punished for something. Then later I sensed God saying very kindly, ‘Why would you expect that you should know what to do? Experience is how people learn.'”

Interesting. First I heard self-criticism and blame, then later I heard the Inner Voice of Love.

A similar thing happened when I had that conversation with my irritated friend. After I apologized, I admitted quite honestly that I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t do it again. This fed her frustration enough for her to get something else off her chest.

Later when I replayed what was said, I realized that if I had reassured her that I would make every effort not to do it again, she would have gone no further. “But if you had,” the Inner Voice of Love said, “the other issue would not have been brought out into the open.”

It happened a third, fourth and fifth time. In response to each instance, the first voice said, “Well, you didn’t do that right. You should have done it like this.” Then the second voice came and shared a different, more loving perspective.

While I was noticing these two voices, our grandkids came for a sleepover. It was our grandson’s turn to pick the movie and he chose Home Alone.

At the end of the film, Kevin is reunited with his family. All is well until Bud, Kevin’s older brother, discovers what Kevin has done to his room.

Our grandson, having seen the movie multiple times, grinned and kept repeating, “Wait for it. Wait for it.” until we hear Bud shout, “Kevin!” At this point, our grandson laughs his head off.

Now when something goes wrong and I get down on myself, I try to remember it’s not the end of the story. God, as excited as a nine-year-old boy, whispers, “Wait for it. Wait for the Inner Voice of Love.”

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You must trust the depth of God’s presence in you and live from there. This is the way to keep moving toward full incarnation.
–Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

7th_annual_canadian_filmmakers_party_7944288446

I was saddened to hear that Toronto filmmaker Rob Stewart died January 31 while diving in the Florida Keys. I first heard about Stewart when he was interviewed by our downstairs neighbour (at the time) Alex Smith on Radio Ecoshock. Stewart’s love for all living creatures and his understanding of the interconnectedness of the ecosystems led him into adventure, wonder and injustice. Watching Sharkwater, I was impacted by the breathtaking beauty of the ocean and the heartbreaking crimes that are being committed. Here is a beautiful and fitting tribute to this mischief-maker who spent his life saving his friends, namely, sharks, people, and this planet.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Photo of Home Alone DVD by s_herman. Used with permission.
“Waiting” by Valentina Powers. Used with permission.
Photo of Rob Stewart by Canadian Film Centre from Toronto, Canada (7th Annual Canadian Filmmakers’ Party) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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What I Knew Then

Posted on February 3, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

1834725880_1aa558f292_bI tell my spiritual director about my panic and the memory of being shamed by the principal when I was twelve. “I still see the anger on his face and feel my back against the wall.”

I recall that moment and am that scared little girl again. But then my view broadens, and I find myself outside the scene looking in. Many of the children don’t see what’s happened. One or two snicker, but others are as shocked as I am. They look at me with empathy.

“Do you see Jesus? What does he do?” my director asks.

I know that Jesus was there in spirit decades ago when this happened. But now, using my imagination, I let Jesus show me what he would have done if he’d had a body and was physically present.

I close my eyes and am twelve again. But now Jesus, dressed in a robe and sandals, is in the hallway too. When he hears what the principal says to me, he steps between us.

“Hey!” Jesus yells, startling the man and breaking the spell that entraps him.

Then Jesus kneels down and looks into my eyes. When I look back, I see how Jesus sees me: I am the good, beautiful person he created. He says, “You have no idea how much this means to me, to look at you looking at me.”

“How do you feel when he says that?” my director asks.

“Defended, honoured, and cherished.”

“There’s something else I noticed,” I say, wiping my tears. “I was surprised that the principal thought I was bad. So I must have believed I was good.”

A wonderful thought enters my mind. “Jesus doesn’t want to tell me that I’m good. He wants me to remember what I once knew was true.”

An image comes to me. I see my life as layers of earth. In the strata of soil and rock that represent the years, there’s a tunnel that burrows down from the surface and another one that burrows up from the earth’s core.

It seems like the truth I know now is tunnelling down from the present. At the same time, the truth I knew before I was born is tunnelling up from the past. And the dark soil between them is getting thinner.

transfiguration-jaison-cianelli

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
–Psalm 139:13,14

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

two-candles

On January 29, six men were killed and others wounded in a shooting in a Quebec City mosque. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to our grieving Muslim brothers and sisters, comforting them in their grief and sorrow and standing with them against violence and intolerance. Thank you for your consoling embraces and words, for attending vigils or interfaith events or bringing flowers to local mosques. And to those who have lost a loved one, may Love That Never Stops Loving comfort and protect you.

I will hold the Christ light for you
In the night-time of your fear
I will hold my hand out to you
Speak the peace you long to hear.
–from Servant Song by Richard Gillard

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Open the door!” byAlex Grech. Used with permission.
“Transfiguration” by Jaison Cianelli. Used with permission.
“Two Candles” by Winfried Brumma / Pressenet… Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Childhood, Praying with the Imagination, Reflections, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Bruised

Posted on January 27, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

“Pull in your horns,” the principal said and scowled at me. He held up two fingers on either side of his head to mimic his words.

Suddenly I was not like any other twelve-year-old lined up in the hallway. I was the devil. I was everything everyone hates. I don’t remember what I did that day to garner such negative attention, but I do remember the crushing shame.

Not long after that, the principal came to school with a black eye, a big bruiser.

Apparently he was fooling around with the secretary, and her husband found out. That was the rumour I heard in the same hall, spread by my giggling peers.

I can see now, nearly fifty years later, that I was bruised by the shame the principal couldn’t reign in. I can understand and forgive the man, but my body doesn’t forget being judged.

Last week I felt it in two different conversations. Twice I found out I’d done something wrong and people were irritated with me. In each case, their anger was short-lived and the situations resolved, but that dreaded feeling of shame lingered into the night.

It came a third time when I was driving. The car began to tremble at low speeds ten kilometres from home. At six kilometres, a warning light came on. At one, the light started flashing at me. The car growled and rattled while the garage door took forever to open. Finally, I parked the car and got out.

I was okay but my body wasn’t. My heart pounded, and I felt as if I’d just downed ten espressos. What was the warning light telling me? What if I ruined the engine by driving it home?

Once again reason tried to soothe me. “It’s only a car; no one was hurt.” My body couldn’t hear it. Something louder was jangling my nerves.

I was greatly relieved when Fred diagnosed the problem–a misfiring cylinder–and fixed it the next day.

I didn’t recognize what fuelled my panic until I woke in the night and noticed that in all three incidents I felt ashamed. Three times I heard “Why did you do that? You should have known better.”

As I came fully awake, I realized: that’s what I do when I get angry at people. I want them to feel bad for what they’ve done.

But in the morning when I came to prayer, something else happened. I remembered the principal and being called evil. If he’d been the first to intimate that, I would never have believed him. He was simply confirming what I feared was true after all.

Now I knew what those incidents of panic were telling me. They were telling me that I still carried the bruises of what happened that day. God was taking me back to that moment to heal the misfiring memory my body held.

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A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice.
—Isaiah 42:3 (NIV)

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love,” said Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Today I tip my hat to all of you who do small things with great love. I’m thinking of Heather who notices lonely people in coffee shops and gives them her time. I think of Colleen who faithfully visits a friend in long term care. I think of volunteers who make muffins and neighbours who shovel snow. I think of patient drivers, thankful bus passengers, and shoppers who smile at cashiers. You are saints.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
First image is a study in human nature, being an interpretation with character analysis chart of Hoffman’s master painting “Christ in the temple”; (1920) by uploaded by CircaSassy. This image is in the PUBLIC DOMAIN. Attribution is not necessary. The original book is available at the Internet Archive archive.org/details/studyinhumannatu00pilk
“Angel of Healing” sculpture by Susan Lordi. Photo by Anne Davis 773. Used with permission.
Photo of Mother Teresa by India7 Network. used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Childhood, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wide and Deep

Posted on January 20, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

Contemp group & my book
I finally received my first royalty cheque from Amazon over a year after I published Stories of an Everyday Pilgrim. The amount? One hundred dollars and seventy-five cents. Humbling.

I always wanted to write a book. Praying the Ignatian Exercises as a retreat in daily life clarified and affirmed my vocation as a writer. I joined a community of writers, dedicated myself to this call, and took seriously my vows to accept critique, edit and forsake other loves.

On October 6, 2015, I submitted my work to the world not knowing how it would be received. To date, there are about four hundred copies of my book in circulation. Not exactly a bestseller.

Why is that? Because of my ability or content? Because I didn’t market it enough? Have I have fallen short in some way? Feeling the weight of my responsibility in this holy calling drove me to produce the best book I could.

Now, when I consider what God is doing–or not doing–with my offering, I remember something Maxine Hancock said. Hancock, an award-winning author, once told this to a class of writers, “It’s God’s job to go wide; it’s our job to go deep.”

This encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing: continue to come to the altar of my laptop with courage and honesty, trusting that what I do is enough.

In response, God asks, “And will you trust that what I do is enough? That this is how wide I want to go and that it’s accomplishing all I want it to? Will you also believe that I am pleased with what you’ve given?”

I think again of what I received from my Ignatian retreat. More than an affirmation of my calling, I received a knowing, deep in the core of my being that I am loved. I am loved by God who is Love loving, the one who changes the world by planting seeds and stories one by one and watching them grow. And that is more than enough.

bookshelf

If I had a message to my contemporaries, it is surely this: Be anything you like, be madmen, drunks, and bastards of every shape and form, but at all costs avoid one thing: success . . . If you are too obsessed with success, you will forget to live. If you have learned only how to be a success, your life has probably been wasted.–Thomas Merton, Love and Living

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

“There were so many things in the [Ignatian Spiritual] Exercises that changed me and transformed me, that showed me who I was… and where I believe God wants me to be,” said actor Andrew Garfield in an interview for America. When Garfield landed the lead role as a Jesuit priest in Martin Scorsese’s Silence, he decided to pray the Ignatian Exercises to prepare himself for the part. Interviewer Brendan Busse writes, “When I asked what stood out in the Exercises, [Garfield] fixed his eyes vaguely on a point in the near distance, wandering off into a place of memory. Then, as if the question had brought him back into the experience itself, he smiled widely and said: ‘What was really easy was falling in love with this person, was falling in love with Jesus Christ. That was the most surprising thing.’”

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Photo of friends from our Imago Dei group by Fred Hizsa. Used with permission.
Photo of my bookshelf by Fred Hizsa. Used with permission.
Photo of Andrew Garfield by Eva Rinaldi [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Ignatian Spirituality, Reflections, Stories, Stories of an Everyday Pilgrim | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

In the Flow

Posted on January 13, 2017 by Esther Hizsa

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“Have you found a job yet?” I asked “Kyle” (not his real name) who has been sober for three months now. Kyle’s been through treatment and recovery a few times in the past seventeen years and never lasted more than six months before he started drinking again. He told me he lives in a homeless shelter, eats at soup kitchens, walks for hours and swims a couple of kilometres nearly every day. In the small town where he lives, the city allows anyone on income assistance to use the recreation centre free of charge.

“No. I’m not looking for work right now,” he said. Over the course of a long, frank conversation, I learned why.

“I don’t want to push the river,” he said. “I’ve gotten out of treatment before and went full steam ahead making good money and six months later I was drinking again. This time I’m trying to stay in the moment and pay attention to what I’m thinking and feeling. The other day, I was in a lineup to open a bank account and started to have a panic attack. I had to leave the bank and try again another day.”

“I try to stay positive,” Kyle went on to say. “I get out in nature and walk the trails and look for opportunities to do a good turn every day. Where I live, everyone on the street knows everyone else, and we look out for each other. But sometimes I get thinking about where I would be right now if I hadn’t wasted my life. I get down on myself and those feelings are brutal. But I’m not shutting them down anymore; I’m learning to let them pass.”

“Yeah. Me, too,” I said.

“I’ve got a place to live lined up next week and a full-time job waiting for me in the spring. But for now, I walk and swim. When I’m in the pool, immersed in water and buffered from sounds, it’s like zen meditation. But I don’t accomplish much in a day,” he said.

I suspected he knew that he was accomplishing a great deal, but couldn’t quite believe it.

“You’re in the flow,” I said. “You’re listening and being kind to yourself and others, and those are not small things.”

He smiled. “You’re right. I’m not doing too bad for a homeless guy.”

4894208219_74683fe04b_bFaith does not need to push the river because faith is able to trust
that there is a river. The river is flowing. We are in it.
—Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs

* * *

Love Mischief for the World

ken-and-lou-1-copy

The King of Kensington, Ken Ryan passed away on January 11, 2017. He will be greatly missed by family and friends as well as those who received so much practical support through Ken’s volunteer work in North Burnaby. While Ken was in hospice, his friend Shirley Hatch and his son Brad started a GoFundMe campaign for Ken’s wife, Lou. Here people can donate money to help Lou pay her rent and for funeral expenses. The Burnaby Now described the extent to which Ken has given time, energy and money to help others. His “laundry list of accomplishments” included receiving the Queen Elizabeth II Gold Jubilee medal for his volunteer efforts. Now we have the opportunity to give back.

What love mischief are you and God doing to care for the earth?
 Let me know and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“At dead man’s chest” by Nadya Peek. Used with permission.
“river neath waterfall” by Peter Castleton. Used with permission.
Photo of Ken Ryan used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2017.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2017.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Poverty of Spirit, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment