I was doing well for a while, then I gained back the weight I lost.
Paul’s words in Romans come to mind.
I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.
–Romans 7: 18-25 (The Message)
So here I am again, Lord, I pray. I’m at the end of my rope. Save me. Free me to do what I most deeply desire.
I wonder if I’ll ever be freed from my addiction to food or if I’ll ever be a healthier weight. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I don’t like seeing what I’ve done to my body. I feel ashamed, powerless and discouraged. It’s hard to keep trying and risk failing again.
And you, Jesus. You’re not letting me off the hook. But you’re not getting me off the hook either.
Every scripture I read lately holds a promise that you can, you will, you are saving me.
Help me believe it.
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
* * *
Judging by the number of cars in the church parking lot when AA is on, I’m guessing that a lot of love mischief happens there. “Alcoholics Anonymous is an international fellowship of men and women who have had a drinking problem. It is nonprofessional, self-supporting, multiracial, apolitical, and available almost everywhere. There are no age or education requirements. Membership is open to anyone who wants to do something about his or her drinking problem.”–AA.org