Light in the Darkness

Posted on September 23, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

There are just some losses that are unbearable, the loss is so deep. But if we don’t panic, if we don’t panic and walk in the loss, we can see starting to shine out through it, lessons about fragility and love and eternality and wisdom.
–James Finley, Turning to the Mystics podcast

Life isn’t what I’d like it to be.
In so many ways,
it is not the life I want.
Overwhelm comes, goes
and comes back again,
grief  stoically aches,
and just when I think I’ve landed on something solid
the ground shifts and cracks
beneath my feet.

How can it be
that in this place of complicated loss
I am given
the love I always wanted?

I see it now
shining in the darkness,
and the darkness 
will never put it out.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
– John 1:5

Credits and References:
“Candlelight” by Peter Lin. Used with permission.
James Finley’s quote is from Turning to the Mystics Season 8 Julian of Norwich, Episode 1, p 10.
“Light in the Darkness” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“Wait” by Tom Ek. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Caregivers

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

I have been an independent woman
doing what I like
since I became an adult.

Then suddenly I became
a caregiver.
Now, my life is not my own.
My thoughts are about someone else–
their needs, their health.
Life as I knew it 
was swept off the table.

Did you know there are Drug Access Navigators for cancer patients?
I met one.

In the past two months, my siblings and I have met my mom and/or dad’s
GP, oncologist, internist, doctors-on-call,
hospital dietitian, cancer clinic dietitian, ultrasound technician,
ward nurses, chemo nurses, lab techs, porters,
hospital transport drivers, ophthalmologist,
seniors’ residence manager and receptionist,
hairdresser, investors, pharmacists,
housecleaner, lawn cutter, grocers,
caseworker and members of her team, insurance broker,
pastor, neighbours, and friends.

All of them we know by name.
All (save a few that had a bad day) have been incredibly kind
and said things like
“Call me anytime.”
“I’ll do anything for your dad.”
Travis in ultrasound called my mom, “Wonder Woman.”
Mom smiled when she told us that.

I am grateful for all these dedicated caregivers.
I am so glad we got to meet them.

But I also want to tell you about the caregivers
I have gotten to know and appreciate in a whole new way:
my sister, my two brothers and their wives,
Fred
and myself.

I don’t want to brag
but caregivers are Wonder People.

Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself
and went where you wanted;
but when you are old you will stretch out your hands,
and someone else will dress you
and lead you where you do not want to go.
-John 21:18 (NIV)

Credits and References:
Christ healing Peter’s mother-in-law by Rembrandt, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
“Caregivers” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“Caregiver isn’t a noun” poster by Chronic Joy®. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Aging, community, compassion, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

For a Time

Posted on September 8, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Long ago,
You became flesh
and dwelt among us.

For a time,
You moved into the neighbourhood,
stepped into people’s lives,
answered their questions,
comforted their hearts,
healed their bodies
and cast out their demons.

And what were you doing before and after
those thirty years?
And what are you doing now
in my topsy-turvy life?

Well, wouldn’t you know it!
There you are 
doing what you always do–
answering my questions
with a phone call, a visit to the medical supply store, or a search on Google,
comforting my soul and tending to my needs 
as one angel after another appears
to give me a hug, help me process the day,
or surprise me with chocolate.

There you are again
casting out my demons
when I miraculously find myself
speaking the words
I didn’t have
and couldn’t say
when I was a kid.

 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.
We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son,
who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
–John 1:14 (NIV)

Credits and References:
“Jesus and the Samaritan Woman at the Well” Guercino, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
“For a Time” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“The Good Shepherd” by RosaryTeam CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Calling in the Angels

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

The rhythm of the everyday pilgrim 
includes coffee in the morning 
and a spacious amount of time
to quiet her mind and open her heart
to meet God in silence.

Her Rule of Life reminds her to
get outside, 
eat well,
and look for God
in the day’s consolations and desolations
and then write about it.

These spiritual practices 
are like the trellis 
that allows the Gardener
to prune and grow
flowers and fruit
in her life.

It’s all so 
tidy.

Until there is a phone call
and suddenly
her tidy, sturdy trellis
is gone
for days 
and weeks on end.

And where is the Gardener
in the new rhythm
of unexpected challenges,
the dance of one step forward  and two steps back,
and the relentless stream of decisions
to be made
along with beds, meals, phone calls, appointments, shopping
and laundry,
(Never mind the nightly visits of
Worry and Fear)?

Where is Christ now?

He’s holding her close,
whispering in her thoughts,
breathing her prayers,
and calling in the angels. 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
–Psalm 139:8

Credits and References:
Photo “Tularosa is beautiful” by Sharon Sperry Bloom. Used with permission.
“Calling in the Angels” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Angels” by vgm8383. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in community, compassion, Prayer, Reflections, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

State of Emergency

Posted on August 25, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Fires out of control
Smoky skies, scratchy throat
Bags packed and ready
to evacuate

Lord, have mercy. 

Diagnosis
Prognosis
Chemo
Side effects
70-80 percent successful
She’s the one the doctor’s talking to

Lord, have mercy.

Clutching a cardboard sign
on the verge of collapse
untouched by the few dollars
pressed into his hand

Lord, have mercy. 

Warm and dry
far from wind and fire
pokes and pain
well-fed, well-loved
and wide awake at one a.m.
I’m sitting on the bathroom floor
writing this poem
and hoping it will save me from
the looping thoughts
that won’t let go

Lord, have mercy on us all.

Credits and References:
“State of Emergency” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
On banner “Candle” by . Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Homelessness, Poetry, Poverty of Spirit, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Embraced in the Deep Love of Jesus

Posted on August 18, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Imagining ourselves in a gospel story with Jesus is risky. After all, if we stick to the script, we might hear Jesus can say something demanding, harsh or cold.

Before Jesus fed the 5000, he told the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”  After he defended the woman caught in adultery, he again commanded the impossible. “Go and sin no more.”   When the disciples were caught in a life-threatening storm, Jesus seemed to think it was no big deal and said, “Why are you still afraid? Do you still have no faith?” as if he expected them to be as cool as a cucumber in the face of danger.

Again, after Jesus kept Peter from sinking into the sea, he seemed to reprimand him. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

But when I met Jesus in this story, that’s not what he said to me.

He didn’t criticize, correct or expect more of me. He didn’t even pat me on the shoulder and say,” You know, if you’d drowned, you would be with my Father.” Instead, he wept, hugged and confessed his fear. “I thought I’d lost you.”

As I mentioned last week, when Julian of Norwich encountered Christ in her near-death experiences, she learned more about Christ and his love for us. Jesus showed himself to her. In my encounter with Jesus, he showed himself to me, too. As I said last week, I learned how deeply human he was/is. I also learned that he is not stoical at all and that his first instinct is not to change us but to love us and to express that love with passion and vulnerability.

As I receive this love, I am disarmed. I don’t have to fight to be different or earn what I need. I feel accepted and cherished, understood and validated. This love invites me to be kinder to myself and hold others in a similar light. 

Jesus, I am so grateful that you are with us always, and that your love is deep, vast, unmeasured and free. Thank you for being mighty and gentle, fierce and vulnerable. Thank you that your love is always underneath us, all around us and ever leading us home to you.  

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!
— Samuel T. Francis, 1875

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

What would it be like now to go back and read the gospel narratives through the lens that Jesus’ first instinct is to love us and express that love? What if we trusted that there was a lot more going on in these stories than what is recorded in scripture? And what if Jesus is inviting us to use our imaginations contemplatively to experience that? That could change everything! Love mischief, indeed.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“The First Bird Back’ by Lulu Lovering. Used with permission.
Image of the Pacific Ocean at Ucluelet by Esther Hizsa, 2022. Used with permission.
Image of a cute kid looking through a magnifying glass by Botanic Gardens of Sydney. Public Domain.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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An Irrational Fear

Posted on August 11, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

After Julian of Norwich encountered Jesus in her near-death experience, she wrote down what happened and continued to reflect on the revelations of Christ’s love that she received. Then she wrote about these “showings.” That got me thinking: what if I considered my encounters with Jesus on my eight-day retreat in the same way?

Most profound was the moment I was in the boat after Jesus rescued me from drowning. In a gospel contemplation of the story of Jesus walking on water, I stepped out of the boat and a few minutes later plunged into the sea. After my rescue, both of us were sopping wet. Jesus was hugging me as tears rolled down his cheeks. He said, “I thought I’d lost you.”

As I reflected on that moment, what stood out for me most, and I will write about this  later, is the depth of his love for me. But what didn’t make sense was how Jesus could think he lost me. As God, he would know that I was never lost to him—not geographically, eschatologically, or relationally for “in God, we live and move and have our being” and there is nowhere I can go that God is not there. I’m not God, and even I know this is an irrational fear.

There was the insight. Jesus, in his humanity, was capable of irrational fear.

Jesus could and can feel all the heights and depths of emotion we feel despite being rooted and grounded in God. It could explain why he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

The thought that Jesus’ love for me (and everyone) is so intense that it includes the irrational fear of losing us teaches me two things. I learn that irrational fears are not immediately cast out by rational thought or deep faith. So we can let ourselves off the hook. We aren’t doing anything wrong or need to judge ourselves as immature when we have these fears. They are a part of being human.

The apostle John wrote, “Perfect love casts out fear” and I think the “casting out” is a process. When in the grip of debilitating fear, if we don’t panic, as James Finley says, we will see glimpses of Light and be found by grace.

As I sit with the reality that Jesus had irrational fears, I realize he too must have experienced childhood trauma. Setting aside the argument about whether his mother Mary was sinless or not, Jesus could have been deeply wounded by others he trusted who didn’t/couldn’t understand him. How could he not be traumatized by the flight to Egypt or the massacre of the innocents? As I recall, in Scattered Minds, Gabor Maté writes that when the Jews were persecuted in Hungary, his mother called the doctor because Gabor wouldn’t stop crying to nurse. The doctor told her this was happening to many other nursing babies as well. They felt the trauma in their little bodies. Jesus would have too. Like all of us, he must have been emotionally scarred by life circumstances and/or the cruelty of others.

I am so grateful for the humanity of Jesus. I’m grateful that he knows what it’s like to feel pain and be gripped by fear. I’m grateful that his promise to be with me always is filled with his passion and compassionate presence.

The Word became flesh and blood,
    and moved into the neighbourhood.
–John 1:14 (MSG)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

In Finley’s podcasts on Julian, he reminds us that “showings” are not limited to near-death experiences (and I would add, or eight-day retreats). They can come in ordinary moments given to us by grace. “Notice what you notice,” Father Elton Fernandes, SJ would say when I was praying the Ignatian Exercises Retreat in Daily Life, “and return to them.” What is God, who knows every detail of your life, inviting you to feel and know?

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Jesus on the cross from Pixabay Creative Commons
Photo of me (bottom right) with my family at Niagara Falls before my youngest brother was born.
“Sitting in silence” by Alice Popkorn. Used with permission.

© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Childhood, compassion, Ignatian Spirituality, Mystical, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lay Your Burdens Down

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Not long after my 8-day retreat, I was listening to Pray As You Go. It opened with this song, and I was invited to reflect on these words of Jesus in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Then I was invited to become aware of the burdens I carry. I thought about a sad loss, my inability to be present at times, the constant temptation to overeat, my autistic and ADHD tendencies, and how hard it is when my values are not supported by others.

The same Jesus that I have asked to “take and receive my life” was now asking me to let him have my burdens too. He promises to carry them for me and walk with me in them.

I was reminded of church that Sunday. For the month of July, we had intergenerational worship. During the activity which was in place of the sermon time, each small group was given a scripture reference, asked to find the good news in it and write it on one of the colours of the rainbow on the bulletin board.

I leaned in to hear seven-year-old Sommy read John 14:15-17. We talked about the verses, and Sommy volunteered to be our scribe. Slowly and carefully, he wrote these words on the bulletin board, “We will be given a helper that will be with us”

I said, “Then you put a period.”

He shook his head and said and added “forever” to the end of the sentence.

We have been given a Helper who is with us always and forever. And that Helper is asking us to lay our burdens down and receive rest moment by moment, day by day.

For Jesus is not some high priest who has no sympathy for our weaknesses and flaws.
–Hebrews 4:15a (Voice)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Leslie Jordan & Jon Guerra of The Porter’s Gate sing You Hold It All. As you listen to the lyrics, what stands out for you? How is God helping you now? What do you notice going on in you as you take and receive that help?

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Resting” Paindane Beach, Inhambane, Mozambique by F Mira. Used with permission.
“Helping Hand” by Photo by sasint from Freerange Stock. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How Sin Is Both Something and No Thing

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

This week I offer you two quotes about sin from Turning to the Mystics podcast on Julian of Norwich.

Mirabai Starr, who translated The Showings of Julian of Norwich, said: “’Sin has not a particle of substance. It is no thing,’ Julian says. ‘And can only be known through the pain that it causes. That’s the only thing that has any ontological reality or substance.’ And she says, ‘Even that is just a passing thing. The pain that we experience from missing the mark is only valuable in so far as it increases our love for God and our humility and tenderness.’”

As I was wrapping my mind around how sin could be no thing, James Finley explained, “Psychologically, physically, and historically, sin’s very real. As the way it expresses itself, in the ways we traumatize ourselves, each other, and the earth, it’s brutal. So sin is the tangible cruelty and the pain caused by that cruelty. So it’s very real. What we’re saying is in the depth dimension of things, although its impact is real and the driving energy is real, the deeper you go, you see that ultimately speaking, it has no substance. That love is the substance. And the love is present in the traumatizing energies, which is the mystery of the cross. The whole mystery of the cross love crucified, which is what Julian saw is this infinite love was present in transcending and fully present as this traumatizing moment, which is really God taking upon herself, our traumatizing moments as infused with love. This is why we can undergo a loss in our life.

“And at the time, if it’s unbearable, the loss really is unbearable. It just is unbearable. There are just some losses that are unbearable, the loss is so deep. But if we don’t panic, if we don’t panic and walk in the loss, we can see starting to shine out through it lessons about fragility and love and eternality and wisdom. So a lot of who we are today in terms of understanding the ways of the human heart, a lot of it has come out of our own moments where everything was lost.”

What do you hear in Miabai Starr and James Finley’s conversation?

I hear

  • Sin is “only valuable in so far as it increases our love for God and our humility and tenderness.”
  • Sin is brutal and real.
  • But the effects of sin do not have the final say.
  • If we don’t panic and walk in the loss we will find God with us and loving us there.

What do you feel?

I feel hope rising and wonder. I love that our stories are held in a bigger story. When I saw the effects of sin in my life it felt unbearable and defined my life. But God walked with me in it, validated the cruel impact it had and slowly, over time I was able to forgive and heal and now those painful experiences don’t define me anymore. They are simply stories that are part of a bigger, wonderful story of love.

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.
–Isaiah 42:3 (NIV)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

“James Finley offers a modern take on the timeless wisdom of the Christian mystics through meditation and practice. This podcast is for people searching for something more meaningful, intimate, and richly present in the divine gift of their lives.” (Center for Action and Contemplation). There are now six seasons of these downloadable podcasts, each featuring a different Christian mystic: Thomas Merton, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Guigo II, The Cloud of Unknowing, and Julian of Norwich.

Finley is a clinical psychologist, author, and teacher. For six years, he lived as a Trappist monk at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky, and Thomas Merton was his spiritual director.

Here is one of my favourite quotes from James Finley. “If we are absolutely grounded in the absolute love of God that protects us from nothing even as it sustains us in all things, then we can face all things with courage and tenderness and touch the hurting places in others and in ourselves with love.”

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Stained glass of Dame Julian of Norwich (St Chrysostom’s, Quincy) by A K M Adam. Used with permission/
Mirabai Starr and James Finley’s quotes are from Turning to the Mystics Season 8 Julian of Norwich, Episode 1, p7 & 10.
“Drooping Flower” by FreddieBrown. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Poverty of Spirit, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Take and Receive

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

What does it mean to surrender myself to Love,
to ask God to take and receive my life,
and follow Christ into suffering?

On the road to discovering that
I’m learning that it’s not saying yes to every need that arises
yet it’s being prepared to make a course change
and be ready to give.

It’s not apologizing for times I haven’t lived up to an ideal, 
yet it’s recognizing when I caused hurt and making amends.

It’s noticing how relentlessly my inner critic
wants to turn Jesus into a harsh taskmaster
and allowing the Good Shepherd to walk with me 
through the deep waters
of not knowing
how to be with suffering
or what this should look like

and that it’s still okay to have fun.

It’s slowing down 
and resting my head on his chest
so I can take and receive
all the love and freedom
Christ wants to give.

 

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.
–Isaiah 40:11

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

“Growth in love is not an accomplishment but the receipt of a gift.” writes David G. Benner in, Surrender to Love: Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality “There is nothing more important in life than learning to love and be loved. Jesus elevated love as the goal of spiritual transformation. Psychoanalysts consider it the capstone of psychological growth. Giving and receiving love is at the heart of being human. It is our raison d’être.”

As you reflect on the past day or week, return to a moment when you gave or received love. Stay present there with God, and allow the felt sense of love to sink into your body.

Was there a moment when love was offered but not received? What feelings arise as you consider that? Share those feelings with God, and notice how God wants to love you now.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Surrender” by Dr. Matthias Ripp. Used with permission.
“Take and Receive” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
Stained glass of Jesus, the Good Shepherd window at St. Matthew’s Lutheran Church, Charleston, South Carolina. Attributed to the Quaker City Glass Company of Philadelphia, 1912. Cadetgray, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0&gt;, via Wikimedia Commons
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Ignatian Spirituality, Poetry, Prayer, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments