Why couldn’t I just settle down and be present? Have I not been spending enough time in silence? Am I suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Is this more evidence that I have ADHD?
I looked around the sanctuary artfully decorated for Christmas and remembered the woman who bought the stars that hung from the ceiling. I knew every person in the brass ensemble except. . . was that Simone all grown up?
I dropped off my chilli for the potluck dinner in the kitchen. It was bustling with people with no time to talk–people with whom I have served and prayed.
Every December New Life Community Church has a special evening to honour volunteers in their community ministries. Although I have not attended the church since my position as associate pastor ended at the end of 2014, I still volunteer weekly with the Wednesday Lunch Club, an outreach for those who are homeless or at risk of homelessness.
People seemed to be enjoying each other’s conversations, but mine never seemed to get much past, how have you been? I was relieved when it was time to go home.
The next day was beautiful and sunny. Mt.Lehman Winery was having a case lot sale, so Fred and I headed out to Abbotsford and got a couple of cases, filled our tank with gas, went for a walk by the Fraser River and had coffee in Fort Langley. In the leisurely day, Fred listened as I unpacked the previous evening and my discomfort in it.
“I’m glad we’re at St.Stephen’s and don’t feel conflicted about our decision to leave New Life,” I said at one point. Then at another, “I guess it’s just the feeling that I don’t belong there anymore and people’s lives are going on without us. That feels sad.”
Back home again, I was measuring cereal for my third double batch of Nuts and Bolts when it occurred to me that I was grieving a loss.
Knowing that settled me.
. . . darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. –Genesis 1:2
Some Advent Love Mischief:
- What is unsettling you these days?
- How might the Holy Spirit be hovering over you and bringing you peace?
Thanks for your vulnerability, Esther!
Trying to find home peace comfort and joy. Wanting it all here and all now. But I can’t seem to get it all together. So I keep searching I am lost. I want God to find me and put me where I belong. Then I think God found me .. . and so patiently waits for me to rest.
Thanks for sharing this, Theresa. What you speak of is what Advent is all about… getting in touch with our longing for God and our deep desire to come home to God. May God With Us continue to find you and give you rest.
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