Sweet Freedom

Posted on June 13, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

ball and chainI preached after a particularly full week and three restless nights. I was tired but felt confident. I had practised my sermon out loud without relying much on my notes and looked forward to doing it like that on Sunday. However, when I got behind the pulpit and in front of everyone, self-doubt surfaced and glued me to my script.

I know this intro. What am I doing? I thought.

I looked up and wanted to step back, but I was tethered in place by the microphone. One end was pinned to my collar and the other rested on the pulpit since I didn’t have a way of clipping it onto me. I felt leashed to a nervous insecurity that questioned me about incidental facts. A few times I stumbled over my words and was sidetracked by thoughts.

After church, preoccupation with my performance had me wound up tight. “Did it go all right?” I asked Fred more than once. “Yes,” he said each time, looking me in the eyes.

Over coffee and a walk, I unwound the event with trepidation. I enjoyed what worked well—and most of the sermon did—but it was hard to accept what didn’t. But there was nothing I could do about it now.

“I long for the freedom to just preach without insecurity hampering me,” I said. I had tried my hardest.

That thought triggered a memory from elementary school. The teacher took our class to the gym and lined us up along its perimeter. He asked us to run across it diagonally, one at a time. I was not an athlete and my peers and teacher would be watching. I ran as fast as I could, unaware of how loudly my feet pounded on the floor. As I caught my breath, the teacher remarked, “Sounds like you are stomping grapes.” Everyone laughed. I felt like a fool.

But no one was laughing now. Why did that memory return?

Before I went to bed that night I sat down to pray. I allowed myself to be present to the Holy Spirit who was present to me. My Companion was gentle and compassionate, matching sigh with sigh. It is what it is. 

The next morning, when I returned to prayer, I saw things differently. The freedom the Holy Spirit longed to give me, was not the freedom to live unhampered by self-doubt, but the freedom not to care if I stomped or not. 

Yes, that’s the sweet freedom I want. Not to care one little bit.  

Photo by Anne Yungwirth

Guard us, Lord, from seeking to find our identity in performance or professions.
– From SoulStream Community’s Noon Prayer 

Credits:
“Ball and Chain” and “Splash!” by Anne Yungwirth. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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A Miracle Day

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

 

Holy Spirit Coming-by He Qi

They were filled with the Holy Spirit. Not just some believers, but all of them.

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one
place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came
from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting.
They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and
came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the
Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit
enabled them. – Acts 2:1-4

It was the miracle of the loaves and the fishes all over again. Jesus was raised up to heaven and multiplied. Now there was plenty of him to go around and they were filled to over flowing.

loaves and fishes by Jago cropped

Before that day, the Holy Spirit came to special people at special times: David when he was chosen to be king of Israel, Mary at the conception of Jesus, Zechariah when he prophesied at the naming of his son, John.

But from then on all believers were given Jesus’s Spirit.

This means we never have to do anything on our own ever again. This means, as The Message says in Romans 8, “We don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!”

Whatever is going on for us, whatever we face, big or small, Jesus’s Spirit is there. Within us, he listens with compassion and feels what we feel, amplifying our joy and embracing our sorrow. Patiently, gently, the Spirit brings thoughts or memories to mind, that open our eyes to see what God sees and leads us forward. Then–oh my heart–our Companion goes with us! Together we do things and go places we never thought possible.

Jesus. In us. It’s a miracle day.

Credits and references:
“Holy Spirit Coming” by He Qi.
Acts 2:1-4 (NIV)
1 Samuel 16:13; Luke 1:35,67
John 6: 1-15 : Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand
Romans 8:12-14 (The Message)
“Loves and Fishes”  by Jago Silver  ©  Jago 2014. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Reborn

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

I have been born again and again and again. With each new spiritual birth, I emerge from darkness into light as helpless as a babe. How does this new life in Christ work?

In the past month, I have been reborn into the reality of God’s delight in all of us. I had gotten so used to clambering about loaded down with other people’s disappointments and expectations–not to mention my own–that I experienced more desolation than joy. Now God is inviting me to shed the heavy layers of gloom and live lightly.

But how do I do that when things keep going wrong?

I was thinking about this during a long bike ride. I had to go over the Alex Fraser bridge to get to Tsawwassen, but couldn’t find the cyclists’ access. The signs were confusing and the map didn’t help.  What I need, I half-prayed, is someone to guide me.

I hadn’t seen any cyclists for a while, but at that moment, lo and behold, one showed up. And it was Scott, someone I knew. What were the odds of that?

“Follow me.” He showed me the path and went on his way.

Now, I asked myself as I rode around Burns Bog and along Boundary Bay, why did that happen? Was God promising to do the same thing in my spiritual life? It seemed too easy. But really, there is more chance of God showing up when needed than Scott.

I have been reborn from above yet God is right here. Like a devoted mother, a protective father, God is guiding me every step of the way.

You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence.
    – Psalm 16:11

Credits:
“Newborn” by Joshua Rappeneker. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.

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Christ Will Come Again

Posted on May 29, 2014 by Esther Hizsa


Brian Whelan Ascension 36 x 29 65 bd 2012 lg

The disciples were anxious, afraid and extremely sad as they watched Jesus whisked up to heaven. What would they do now? 

He promised he wouldn’t leave them alone, that God would send the Holy Spirit. But how could this Spirit possibly replace Jesus? What could take the place of seeing his face, hearing his voice, or feeling his arm around their shoulders? How were they supposed to follow Jesus now?

We can relate to their dilemma. We go along in the Christian life experiencing God in a certain way. We find a rhythm that works. We know how to pray, how to live, where to go, and what to do. Then suddenly one day it stops working. Jesus seems to have left the building. And at a time when we need him most.

We pray harder, spend more time in scripture, and repent of everything we can think of. We may even read books or take a class, but nothing seems to rekindle the spiritual life we once had.

A disorienting darkness descends. When it persists, we may be tempted to give up on church, God and the whole darn thing.

After Christ ascended, the disciples kept looking up at the empty sky. Finally the angels shooed them away. Jesus would come again in glory at the end of time, but meanwhile, God had something new in store for them.

And God has something new in store for us as well.

Early on in his ministry, Jesus told a mystified Pharisee, “You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ ” 

When we find ourselves in the dark, perhaps we’re in a birth canal. Maybe God is about to deliver us into a whole new way of being. Once the disciples stopped looking back to what they had and looked forward to Christ’s coming anew, some pretty exciting stuff happened. 

 

“Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised,
which you have heard me speak about. For John baptised with water,
but in a few days you will be baptised with the Holy Spirit.”
– Acts 1:4,5

 

Credits:
“Ascension” by Brian Whelan, 2012. Used by permission.
John 3:7 (NIV)
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Resurrection Cleaners

Posted on May 23, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

. . . you implore
me to so fall
in Love, and fall anew in
ever-new depths of skywashed Love till every
capillary of your universe
throbs with rivering fire . . .
– from “The Word” by Margaret Avison

spring cleaning in the sun by storebukkebruse

Jesus has been spring-cleaning my heart, soul and mind. Resurrection energy has him showing up everywhere. At all hours of the day and night, I see his van parked outside. Within minutes he and his heavenly team are pulling back curtains, opening up windows, and refreshing my house with his love.

He was at our weekly contemplative group too. As we reflected on Avison’s poem, he implored us to “fall in Love, and fall anew.” 

Compelled by these images, we entered a time of silent prayer. I wanted to receive God’s skywashed love, but a tempest of remorse distracted me. I couldn’t get my mind off my friend “Mary.” Earlier that week, I had unintentionally done something that upset her. I caused that, I kept thinking.

“No you didn’t,” Jesus interjected. “I did.”

He gave me time to let that sink in, then added, “I am doing a reno in your souls to make more room for my love. Don’t worry. She’ll be fine.”

And just like that, the grey clouds of shame were swept aside and I was enveloped in endless blue peace. 

DSCN0827Spring is here and Jesus is cleaning out cupboards and drawers and lining them with loving kindness. That means those old blaming thoughts and false beliefs must go. He bags them up, clanking and banging, and takes them to the curb. 

This morning as I was praying, I heard him call out, “I found another one!” Holding it up as if it were a fish skeleton, he smiled and flung it in the trash. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he sang.

 

Credits:
“The Word” by Margaret Avison is published in The Country of the Risen King: An Anthology of Christian Poetry.  Avison won the Governor General’s Award for her first collection of poetry, Winter Sun (1960).
“Spring cleaning in the sun” by storebukkebruse. Used with permission.
“A new broom sweeps clean, but the old broom knows the corners” by Kate Ter Haar. Used with permission.
“Cloud Study” by Ricky Romero (banner not visible in all formats). Used by permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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God’s Exuberant, Uncontainable Love

Posted on May 19, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

god

God’s crazy about us. If you’ve been reading my blog lately, you’d know that God has me riveted to this theme. God’s exuberance is uncontainable.

Recently I stumbled upon this quote by Henri Nouwen,

God does not require a pure heart before embracing us. Even if we
return only because following our desires has failed to bring happiness,
God will take us back . . .  “Come,” God says, “let me wipe your tears,
and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, ‘I love you.
I love you. I love you.'”

God went on to illustrate these words. My family was already seated at church one Sunday when I came into the sanctuary. As soon as my granddaughter, Hannah, saw me, she lit up. She patted the empty chair beside her. When I sat there, she wrapped her arms around me and snuggled up. A friend saw the whole thing and said to me, “That was God, you know, welcoming you.” There were tears in her eyes when she said it.  

The next day another friend told me that God spoke to her through a verse in Isaiah. Long ago she had heard God say, My delight is in you. For years she marvelled at the fact that God lights up whenever he sees her.

“But today,” she went on to say, “when I remembered those words, I heard something different. This time I heard, My delight is in you. Like a treasure hidden inside us.” 

heart by tonxSoon afterwards I heard a priest talk about how to discern God’s voice. Father Richard said, “If you hear the thought I love you, it’s God. If you hear I forgive you, it’s God. And if you hear I love you again, it’s God telling you again, because he likes to tell us often and he knows we didn’t believe him the first time.”

Everywhere we go birds are singing and flowers are whispering a message from our creator: I love  you. I love you. I love you.

Flowers by Riccardo Cuppini

You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate;
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her . . . 
for the Lord delights in you . . .
   -Isaiah 62:4 (NRSV)

Credits:
“God” by Casey Brown. Used with permission.
“Heart” by tonx. Used with permission.
“Flowers” by Riccardo Cuppini. Used with permission.
Quote by Henri Nouwen from Show Me the Way: Daily Lenten Readings
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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God Is in Love with You

Posted on May 16, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

“Ask Christians what they believe about God,” David Benner writes in Surrender to Love, “and most have a good deal to say. However, ask the same people what they know about God from direct personal experience, and most will have much less to say.”

Perhaps you are one of those people with little to say. If that’s the case, take a few minutes to ask the Holy Spirit to show you how God has loved you today.

ready to Burst by Anne YungwirthYou don’t need to think hard. Just wait. The Holy Spirit will bring something to mind. It could be the way a co-worker made you smile or how a sunflower looked ready to burst. Perhaps it was a cancelled appointment that allowed you time to relax or finding that pair of sunglasses you thought you’d lost. Whatever comes to mind, savour that moment. Thank God for it.

Benner says, “God is head-over-heels in love with you. God is simply giddy about you. He just can’t help loving you.  And he loves you deeply, recklessly and extravagantly–just the way you are.”

God is ready to burst with deep, reckless affection for you. So pay attention. 

Before you know it, you’ll be like the poet Hafiz, who wrote:

God and I have become

like two giant fat people

living in a tiny boat.

We keep

bumping into each other

and laughing.

When I searched for Love, the Beloved answered within my heart. – Psalm 34:4

Credits:
“Ready to Burst” by Anne Yungwirth. Used with permission.
Surrender to Love by David G. Benner, IVP 2003, p. 27, 18.
“Two Giant Fat People” by Hafiz (c. 1320-1389) translated by Daniel Ladinsky in Love Poems from God, 2002. Used with permission.
Psalm 34:4  Psalms for Praying: An Invitation to Wholeness by Nan C. Merrill.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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God, Here?

Posted on May 9, 2014 by Esther Hizsa
John the Baptist gecomprimeerd Geertgen tot Sint Jans wikimedia

John the Baptist looks forlorn. I can almost hear him sigh. He is so discouraged by the Messiah, who isn’t what he expected, that he cannot see the beauty around him or the Lamb of God beside him.

This painting has been dubbed John the Baptist with big feet. Doesn’t he remind us of ourselves? We struggle so hard, do so much to help others. And when things don’t turn out the way we expected, we are disappointed. What else can I do? we say. I’m at the end of my rope.

Yes. That is precisely the place where we find God: at the end of our rope, when there is nothing more we can do. God is waiting for us there.

If the Lamb could talk, he would likely say to John, Thank you for preparing the way for me. Don’t worry, I’ll do everything I promised. You’ll see.

And what would Jesus, sitting beside you in your helplessness, say next? Perhaps you should ask him.

Disappointment. Discouragement. Helplessness. These are unexpected thin places where God dwells as surely and as beautifully as a beach near Tofino or a cabin on Bowen.

When I shared my poem about thin places and Jaison Cianelli’s painting with artists in my church, two women were inspired to write a song. Here is the refrain:

I have stumbled on a place where
the air is thin.
In the midst of wilderness
God is closer than my breath.
It doesn’t make any sense.

In the midst of wilderness, nothingness, and brokenness, they wrote, “God is closer than my breath.” In the midst of loneliness, despair and helplessness, God will come and sit beside us, comfort us and open our eyes to see more than our disappointments.

The Lord is near. -Philippians 4:5b

Credits:
“John the Baptist” by Aukje Bos-Geertsema, 1485.
“Closer than My Breath” by Mindy Ogden and Sarah Yungwirth, 2014.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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Thin Places

Posted on May 2, 2014 by Esther Hizsa
transfiguration-jaison-cianelli

God Is Waiting There 

I know a place
where God dwells, the heart whispers.
Let us go there.

Why, God is
everywhere, the head replies. There is
no place where God is not.

Yes, says the heart, but there are thin places
where earth and heaven touch.
God is waiting for us there.

Some places are sacred to me: my friend’s cabin on Bowen Island, Battleship Islands on Garibaldi Lake, and Black Sage Road that weaves through the vineyards between Oliver and Osoyoos. Each place evokes a visceral memory of an encounter with God. These experiences were so profound that my body remembers them with a flutter of awe whenever I imagine myself there.

“A favourite place of mine is a particular trail and beach on Vancouver Island near Tofino,” writes Mike Stewart, an Anglican priest. “Every time I visit the area, I am touched again by God’s friendship. Once when I was staying with friends there, I had a sudden desire to visit the trail and beach. In my heart I knew Jesus was waiting for me to get there. As I walked the beach alone, I heard him speaking to me in the ocean wind, ‘I will always  be your friend.’ ‘Lord,’ I replied, ‘And I yours.'”

Tofino, untouched by Tony Horabin

How lovely is your dwelling place,
    O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, indeed it faints
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh sing for joy
    to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
    my King and my God.
Happy are those who live in your house,
    ever singing your praise.
                    – Psalm 84:1-4 (NRSV)


Credits:
“God is Waiting There” by Esther Hizsa, 2014.
“Transfiguration” by Jaison Cianelli. Used with permission.
Quote from No Crowds Present by Mike Stewart, Fresh Wind Press, 2007.
“Tofino, untouched” by Tony Horabin. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
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A Retreat with God

Posted on April 25, 2014 by Esther Hizsa

Bowen Island by Neil BrockAs I prepared to go to Bowen Island for a three-day retreat, I got a divine nudge. “Leave your laptop at home,” God seemed to say. “Just come and be with me.”

But I couldn’t possibly write much without my electronic friend. Hmm. I think that was God’s point.

My job was to rest and pray. Not very exciting. Every day I kept waiting for something to happen, but I didn’t have any breakthroughs or prophetic insights. My journal asked me what I was feeling. The anticlimactic answer was: relaxed. Acting as my own spiritual director, I pressed in. “Do you have a sense of how God is feeling about that?” I asked myself. “Pleased, I suppose,” I answered.

I sat on a rock by the shore and watched the birds. They were more restless than I was. One or another was always fluttering their wings or changing allegiances.  A seal popped her head up and then disappeared. The clouds shifted, ferries came and went, as I watched and waited with God.

Back at the cottage where I was staying, I sipped Rooibos tea and read this:

Author and speaker Brennan Manning tells the story of an Irish priest
who, on a walking tour of a rural parish, sees an old peasant kneeling by
the side of the road praying. Impressed, the priest says to the man, “You
must be very close to God.” The peasant looks up from his prayers, thinks
for a moment, and then smiles and replies, “Yes, he is very fond of me.”

And that’s when I felt my heart strangely warmed.

I had thought that if we knew how deeply God loves us, we would become our true selves. I no longer believe that. We already know we are loved. We talk about it, write about it, and sing about it. Yet we go on living as if it didn’t matter.

No. We become our true selves when we allow God to love us. And that’s what was happening as I rested in the company of God, who is very fond of me.

Kathrin Burleson“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
– Jeremiah 31:3

Credits:
“Bowen Island” by Neil Brock. Used with permission.
Quote from No Crowds Present by Mike Stewart, Fresh Wind Press, 2007.
Painting by Kathrin Burleson. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2014
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013, 2014  http://www.estherhizsa.wordpress.com.
Posted in Mystical, Popular Posts, Prayer, Spiritual Direction, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment