Today

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
–John L. Bell, The Summons

On the fifth morning after moving into the seniors’ residence,
my dad enjoyed getting dressed without something going wrong.

My mom set herself up in her recliner
(adjusting the cushion,
moving the footstool into place,
shifting her 4’10” body back,
kicking the stool out of the way
and raising her feet)
all on her own. 

I slept through the night.

Today,
there are no appointments to go to,
no nurse,
telephone technician,
or housekeeper arriving.

The sun is shining,
and Dad has done the dishes.

Today,
I am not sobbing in the lobby
because I don’t know where my mother has gone.
I don’t have to ask the kitchen staff to adjust the menu.
I am not learning about a new drug and what it does to the body.

Today,
I am going for a walk
knowing
that this is harder than I thought,
better than I thought,
and I am in the right place. 

Even here your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
–Psalm 139:10 (NIV, adapted)

Credits and References:
“Morning” by crom shin. Used with permission. 
“Today” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Trail walking” by marneejill. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

In the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Posted on September 30, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

When we imagine surrendering our life to God, we often brace ourselves for unwanted change. Of course, we do, fearful creatures that we are. But after I asked God to take and receive my life at the end of my eight-day retreat, my days were filled with bike rides, starry nights, ocean sunsets and mountaintop moments with my honey.

Then my mom got cancer.

Now, as you have been reading in my blog, my days are filled with caring for my parents. God didn’t make this “bad thing” happen. But God knew what would happen and has been preparing me for this journey through the valley of the shadow of death.

At first, life was changing so fast that Fred and I could hardly keep up with it. It hasn’t slowed down yet. It’s been one FFT (effing first time) after another. Knowing that helped us give ourselves some grace. While this is our first rodeo, thankfully, it isn’t God’s. God has been here many times before as a helper and as a wounded one.

In this valley, I am learning some things.

I had wondered if I had an inordinate attachment to being outside biking and hiking and if that desire would supersede other desires. I was surprised to discover that when I needed to be on deck helping my parents, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Also, when we got time away from caregiving, my capacity to enjoy camping returned. I will never forget the current of joy I felt when we settled into our campsite at Illecillewet in Glacier National Park. I knew then that I could trust God to give me the desires of my heart.

In this valley, I am receiving some things.

Terminal illness, stress, change and aging do not always bring out the best in us. My capacity to offer compassion to another didn’t include taking whatever was dished out. Sometimes I had to hold my ground and ask for what I wanted. I was grateful to receive the courage and capacity to stand up for myself. I was also grateful that forgiveness allowed genuine affection to return. I didn’t have to work at it. I simply received it.

In this valley, I am not alone.

I love this picture of the shepherd and all those sheep! I am not alone. Jesus is walking with me, tending to my needs. Many others are walking with me on this journey, and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I won’t be afraid.
You are with me,
and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe.
–Psalm 23:4 (adapted from ESV and CEV)

Credits and References:
“Rogers Pass” by .Used with permission
“Shepherd and His Flock” by . Used with permission. 
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Aging, community, compassion, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Light in the Darkness

Posted on September 23, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

There are just some losses that are unbearable, the loss is so deep. But if we don’t panic, if we don’t panic and walk in the loss, we can see starting to shine out through it, lessons about fragility and love and eternality and wisdom.
–James Finley, Turning to the Mystics podcast

Life isn’t what I’d like it to be.
In so many ways,
it is not the life I want.
Overwhelm comes, goes
and comes back again,
grief  stoically aches,
and just when I think I’ve landed on something solid
the ground shifts and cracks
beneath my feet.

How can it be
that in this place of complicated loss
I am given
the love I always wanted?

I see it now
shining in the darkness,
and the darkness 
will never put it out.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
– John 1:5

Credits and References:
“Candlelight” by Peter Lin. Used with permission.
James Finley’s quote is from Turning to the Mystics Season 8 Julian of Norwich, Episode 1, p 10.
“Light in the Darkness” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“Wait” by Tom Ek. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Caregivers

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

I have been an independent woman
doing what I like
since I became an adult.

Then suddenly I became
a caregiver.
Now, my life is not my own.
My thoughts are about someone else–
their needs, their health.
Life as I knew it 
was swept off the table.

Did you know there are Drug Access Navigators for cancer patients?
I met one.

In the past two months, my siblings and I have met my mom and/or dad’s
GP, oncologist, internist, doctors-on-call,
hospital dietitian, cancer clinic dietitian, ultrasound technician,
ward nurses, chemo nurses, lab techs, porters,
hospital transport drivers, ophthalmologist,
seniors’ residence manager and receptionist,
hairdresser, investors, pharmacists,
housecleaner, lawn cutter, grocers,
caseworker and members of her team, insurance broker,
pastor, neighbours, and friends.

All of them we know by name.
All (save a few that had a bad day) have been incredibly kind
and said things like
“Call me anytime.”
“I’ll do anything for your dad.”
Travis in ultrasound called my mom, “Wonder Woman.”
Mom smiled when she told us that.

I am grateful for all these dedicated caregivers.
I am so glad we got to meet them.

But I also want to tell you about the caregivers
I have gotten to know and appreciate in a whole new way:
my sister, my two brothers and their wives,
Fred
and myself.

I don’t want to brag
but caregivers are Wonder People.

Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself
and went where you wanted;
but when you are old you will stretch out your hands,
and someone else will dress you
and lead you where you do not want to go.
-John 21:18 (NIV)

Credits and References:
Christ healing Peter’s mother-in-law by Rembrandt, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
“Caregivers” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“Caregiver isn’t a noun” poster by Chronic Joy®. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Aging, community, compassion, Poetry, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

For a Time

Posted on September 8, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Long ago,
You became flesh
and dwelt among us.

For a time,
You moved into the neighbourhood,
stepped into people’s lives,
answered their questions,
comforted their hearts,
healed their bodies
and cast out their demons.

And what were you doing before and after
those thirty years?
And what are you doing now
in my topsy-turvy life?

Well, wouldn’t you know it!
There you are 
doing what you always do–
answering my questions
with a phone call, a visit to the medical supply store, or a search on Google,
comforting my soul and tending to my needs 
as one angel after another appears
to give me a hug, help me process the day,
or surprise me with chocolate.

There you are again
casting out my demons
when I miraculously find myself
speaking the words
I didn’t have
and couldn’t say
when I was a kid.

 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.
We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son,
who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
–John 1:14 (NIV)

Credits and References:
“Jesus and the Samaritan Woman at the Well” Guercino, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
“For a Time” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
“The Good Shepherd” by RosaryTeam CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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Calling in the Angels

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

The rhythm of the everyday pilgrim 
includes coffee in the morning 
and a spacious amount of time
to quiet her mind and open her heart
to meet God in silence.

Her Rule of Life reminds her to
get outside, 
eat well,
and look for God
in the day’s consolations and desolations
and then write about it.

These spiritual practices 
are like the trellis 
that allows the Gardener
to prune and grow
flowers and fruit
in her life.

It’s all so 
tidy.

Until there is a phone call
and suddenly
her tidy, sturdy trellis
is gone
for days 
and weeks on end.

And where is the Gardener
in the new rhythm
of unexpected challenges,
the dance of one step forward  and two steps back,
and the relentless stream of decisions
to be made
along with beds, meals, phone calls, appointments, shopping
and laundry,
(Never mind the nightly visits of
Worry and Fear)?

Where is Christ now?

He’s holding her close,
whispering in her thoughts,
breathing her prayers,
and calling in the angels. 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
–Psalm 139:8

Credits and References:
Photo “Tularosa is beautiful” by Sharon Sperry Bloom. Used with permission.
“Calling in the Angels” by Esther Hizsa, 2023.
“Angels” by vgm8383. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in community, compassion, Prayer, Reflections, Writing | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

State of Emergency

Posted on August 25, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Fires out of control
Smoky skies, scratchy throat
Bags packed and ready
to evacuate

Lord, have mercy. 

Diagnosis
Prognosis
Chemo
Side effects
70-80 percent successful
She’s the one the doctor’s talking to

Lord, have mercy.

Clutching a cardboard sign
on the verge of collapse
untouched by the few dollars
pressed into his hand

Lord, have mercy. 

Warm and dry
far from wind and fire
pokes and pain
well-fed, well-loved
and wide awake at one a.m.
I’m sitting on the bathroom floor
writing this poem
and hoping it will save me from
the looping thoughts
that won’t let go

Lord, have mercy on us all.

Credits and References:
“State of Emergency” by Esther Hizsa, 2023
On banner “Candle” by . Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in compassion, Homelessness, Poetry, Poverty of Spirit, Reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Embraced in the Deep Love of Jesus

Posted on August 18, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Imagining ourselves in a gospel story with Jesus is risky. After all, if we stick to the script, we might hear Jesus can say something demanding, harsh or cold.

Before Jesus fed the 5000, he told the disciples, “You give them something to eat.”  After he defended the woman caught in adultery, he again commanded the impossible. “Go and sin no more.”   When the disciples were caught in a life-threatening storm, Jesus seemed to think it was no big deal and said, “Why are you still afraid? Do you still have no faith?” as if he expected them to be as cool as a cucumber in the face of danger.

Again, after Jesus kept Peter from sinking into the sea, he seemed to reprimand him. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

But when I met Jesus in this story, that’s not what he said to me.

He didn’t criticize, correct or expect more of me. He didn’t even pat me on the shoulder and say,” You know, if you’d drowned, you would be with my Father.” Instead, he wept, hugged and confessed his fear. “I thought I’d lost you.”

As I mentioned last week, when Julian of Norwich encountered Christ in her near-death experiences, she learned more about Christ and his love for us. Jesus showed himself to her. In my encounter with Jesus, he showed himself to me, too. As I said last week, I learned how deeply human he was/is. I also learned that he is not stoical at all and that his first instinct is not to change us but to love us and to express that love with passion and vulnerability.

As I receive this love, I am disarmed. I don’t have to fight to be different or earn what I need. I feel accepted and cherished, understood and validated. This love invites me to be kinder to myself and hold others in a similar light. 

Jesus, I am so grateful that you are with us always, and that your love is deep, vast, unmeasured and free. Thank you for being mighty and gentle, fierce and vulnerable. Thank you that your love is always underneath us, all around us and ever leading us home to you.  

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!
— Samuel T. Francis, 1875

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

What would it be like now to go back and read the gospel narratives through the lens that Jesus’ first instinct is to love us and express that love? What if we trusted that there was a lot more going on in these stories than what is recorded in scripture? And what if Jesus is inviting us to use our imaginations contemplatively to experience that? That could change everything! Love mischief, indeed.

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“The First Bird Back’ by Lulu Lovering. Used with permission.
Image of the Pacific Ocean at Ucluelet by Esther Hizsa, 2022. Used with permission.
Image of a cute kid looking through a magnifying glass by Botanic Gardens of Sydney. Public Domain.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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An Irrational Fear

Posted on August 11, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

After Julian of Norwich encountered Jesus in her near-death experience, she wrote down what happened and continued to reflect on the revelations of Christ’s love that she received. Then she wrote about these “showings.” That got me thinking: what if I considered my encounters with Jesus on my eight-day retreat in the same way?

Most profound was the moment I was in the boat after Jesus rescued me from drowning. In a gospel contemplation of the story of Jesus walking on water, I stepped out of the boat and a few minutes later plunged into the sea. After my rescue, both of us were sopping wet. Jesus was hugging me as tears rolled down his cheeks. He said, “I thought I’d lost you.”

As I reflected on that moment, what stood out for me most, and I will write about this  later, is the depth of his love for me. But what didn’t make sense was how Jesus could think he lost me. As God, he would know that I was never lost to him—not geographically, eschatologically, or relationally for “in God, we live and move and have our being” and there is nowhere I can go that God is not there. I’m not God, and even I know this is an irrational fear.

There was the insight. Jesus, in his humanity, was capable of irrational fear.

Jesus could and can feel all the heights and depths of emotion we feel despite being rooted and grounded in God. It could explain why he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

The thought that Jesus’ love for me (and everyone) is so intense that it includes the irrational fear of losing us teaches me two things. I learn that irrational fears are not immediately cast out by rational thought or deep faith. So we can let ourselves off the hook. We aren’t doing anything wrong or need to judge ourselves as immature when we have these fears. They are a part of being human.

The apostle John wrote, “Perfect love casts out fear” and I think the “casting out” is a process. When in the grip of debilitating fear, if we don’t panic, as James Finley says, we will see glimpses of Light and be found by grace.

As I sit with the reality that Jesus had irrational fears, I realize he too must have experienced childhood trauma. Setting aside the argument about whether his mother Mary was sinless or not, Jesus could have been deeply wounded by others he trusted who didn’t/couldn’t understand him. How could he not be traumatized by the flight to Egypt or the massacre of the innocents? As I recall, in Scattered Minds, Gabor Maté writes that when the Jews were persecuted in Hungary, his mother called the doctor because Gabor wouldn’t stop crying to nurse. The doctor told her this was happening to many other nursing babies as well. They felt the trauma in their little bodies. Jesus would have too. Like all of us, he must have been emotionally scarred by life circumstances and/or the cruelty of others.

I am so grateful for the humanity of Jesus. I’m grateful that he knows what it’s like to feel pain and be gripped by fear. I’m grateful that his promise to be with me always is filled with his passion and compassionate presence.

The Word became flesh and blood,
    and moved into the neighbourhood.
–John 1:14 (MSG)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

In Finley’s podcasts on Julian, he reminds us that “showings” are not limited to near-death experiences (and I would add, or eight-day retreats). They can come in ordinary moments given to us by grace. “Notice what you notice,” Father Elton Fernandes, SJ would say when I was praying the Ignatian Exercises Retreat in Daily Life, “and return to them.” What is God, who knows every detail of your life, inviting you to feel and know?

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
Jesus on the cross from Pixabay Creative Commons
Photo of me (bottom right) with my family at Niagara Falls before my youngest brother was born.
“Sitting in silence” by Alice Popkorn. Used with permission.

© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
Posted in Childhood, compassion, Ignatian Spirituality, Mystical, Reflections, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lay Your Burdens Down

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Esther Hizsa

Not long after my 8-day retreat, I was listening to Pray As You Go. It opened with this song, and I was invited to reflect on these words of Jesus in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Then I was invited to become aware of the burdens I carry. I thought about a sad loss, my inability to be present at times, the constant temptation to overeat, my autistic and ADHD tendencies, and how hard it is when my values are not supported by others.

The same Jesus that I have asked to “take and receive my life” was now asking me to let him have my burdens too. He promises to carry them for me and walk with me in them.

I was reminded of church that Sunday. For the month of July, we had intergenerational worship. During the activity which was in place of the sermon time, each small group was given a scripture reference, asked to find the good news in it and write it on one of the colours of the rainbow on the bulletin board.

I leaned in to hear seven-year-old Sommy read John 14:15-17. We talked about the verses, and Sommy volunteered to be our scribe. Slowly and carefully, he wrote these words on the bulletin board, “We will be given a helper that will be with us”

I said, “Then you put a period.”

He shook his head and said and added “forever” to the end of the sentence.

We have been given a Helper who is with us always and forever. And that Helper is asking us to lay our burdens down and receive rest moment by moment, day by day.

For Jesus is not some high priest who has no sympathy for our weaknesses and flaws.
–Hebrews 4:15a (Voice)

∗ ∗ ∗

Love Mischief for the World

Leslie Jordan & Jon Guerra of The Porter’s Gate sing You Hold It All. As you listen to the lyrics, what stands out for you? How is God helping you now? What do you notice going on in you as you take and receive that help?

What love mischief are you and God doing for the world?
Let me know, and I will include it in an upcoming post.

Credits and References:
“Resting” Paindane Beach, Inhambane, Mozambique by F Mira. Used with permission.
“Helping Hand” by Photo by sasint from Freerange Stock. Used with permission.
© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com
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