On each of my dyings,
shed your light and your love.
–Soul of Christ Prayer, paraphrased by David L. Fleming

I’m haunted by the ending of a story.
The boy dies from his compulsion
to save the earth.
The father can’t save his son;
he missed the cue
that prepared the reader
for what was to come.

The stark scene
continues to bother me
long after I finished the book.
I still feel it in the pit of my stomach–
the sadness of it all,
the fear that my compulsions will win,
the anxiety that I will miss a vital clue.

What brings some relief
is that the father held his son
in his fear and pain
until he was released from this world.

Perhaps that is life:
God holds us tenderly as we die again
to one more thing we can’t control.

The grain of wheat must fall to the ground
and die.
We must lose our life
to find it.
“Whoever wants to be my disciple,” Jesus said,
“must take up their cross and follow me.”

I know this.
I’ve spoken about it
and accompanied others through death and resurrection.

But this story
slipped past the tidy knowing
that distanced me from my cross.
It pierced my gut
and let me feel
fear,
grief,
loss,
and my deep need
to be held
in my passing
from one story
to the next.

Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
Sing of the goodness I cannot see
Will you sing over me?
Will you sing over me?
—Sing Over Me
by Paul Zach, Kate Bluett, Isaac Wardell, Taylor Leonhardt, and Matt Maher.

Credits and References:
“Grain of Wheat” photo by Upsplash from Free Range Stock
“The End of a Story” by Esther Hizsa, 2024

© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2024.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2024.  http://www.estherhizsa.com