When we imagine surrendering our life to God, we often brace ourselves for unwanted change. Of course, we do, fearful creatures that we are. But after I asked God to take and receive my life at the end of my eight-day retreat, my days were filled with bike rides, starry nights, ocean sunsets and mountaintop moments with my honey.

Then my mom got cancer.

Now, as you have been reading in my blog, my days are filled with caring for my parents. God didn’t make this “bad thing” happen. But God knew what would happen and has been preparing me for this journey through the valley of the shadow of death.

At first, life was changing so fast that Fred and I could hardly keep up with it. It hasn’t slowed down yet. It’s been one FFT (effing first time) after another. Knowing that helped us give ourselves some grace. While this is our first rodeo, thankfully, it isn’t God’s. God has been here many times before as a helper and as a wounded one.

In this valley, I am learning some things.

I had wondered if I had an inordinate attachment to being outside biking and hiking and if that desire would supersede other desires. I was surprised to discover that when I needed to be on deck helping my parents, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Also, when we got time away from caregiving, my capacity to enjoy camping returned. I will never forget the current of joy I felt when we settled into our campsite at Illecillewet in Glacier National Park. I knew then that I could trust God to give me the desires of my heart.

In this valley, I am receiving some things.

Terminal illness, stress, change and aging do not always bring out the best in us. My capacity to offer compassion to another didn’t include taking whatever was dished out. Sometimes I had to hold my ground and ask for what I wanted. I was grateful to receive the courage and capacity to stand up for myself. I was also grateful that forgiveness allowed genuine affection to return. I didn’t have to work at it. I simply received it.

In this valley, I am not alone.

I love this picture of the shepherd and all those sheep! I am not alone. Jesus is walking with me, tending to my needs. Many others are walking with me on this journey, and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I won’t be afraid.
You are with me,
and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe.
–Psalm 23:4 (adapted from ESV and CEV)

Credits and References:
“Rogers Pass” by naserke.Used with permission
“Shepherd and His Flock” by Tobias Nordhausen. Used with permission. 

© Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim, 2023.
The unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without permission from Esther Hizsa is prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided there is a link to the original content and credit is given as follows: © Esther Hizsa, An Everyday Pilgrim 2013-2023.  http://www.estherhizsa.com