“You went out for lunch without me?” I blurted, unable to contain my hurt and anger.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you did,” I added. I meant it, too. But that awful feeling of being left out and forgotten wouldn’t subside.
That morning, I’d just finished writing last week’s blog post. It was about choosing to sacrifice my needs for the needs of another. One minute, I felt content and at peace; the next, I was furious and resentful.
I didn’t let go of blame easily. But eventually, it subsided. I went to sleep that night disappointed with the reality that being the self-sacrificing daughter has its shadow side.
It wasn’t until the next morning that this question came to me: How did I think God would open my eyes to see how my needs were being met?
I’d assumed God would do it beautifully and seamlessly, the way flowers bloom and the sun comes from behind the clouds.
But what if my anger and resentment were the ways God was helping me see what I needed? I didn’t like it, but it worked well. After my outburst, I knew what I needed and when and how I could get it.
So often I expect God to make me like cool-as-a-cucumber, emotionally evolved Jesus. He sacrificed without complaining and never thought about his needs or whined about others not caring for him.
But it isn’t true.
Jesus complained to God in the Garden of Gethsemane. He chastised the disciples when they fell asleep and forgot about him. And maybe the reason Jesus was late getting to Bethany to raise Lazarus from the dead was because he needed some alone time.
When we read the limited details of Jesus’ life we can forget to fill in the blanks with Jesus’ humanity. I bet there were some deep sighs and eye-rolling at times for our fully human Saviour.
As Rich Mullins discovered, surrender doesn’t come naturally to us. The high of altruism wears thin, and the guilt of not doing enough is heavy. I am grateful that Jesus meets me in the shadows of my desires with loving compassion. His “I know” helps me pick up my cross and carry on.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed,
for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
–Joshua 1:9 (ESV)
An Everyday Pilgrim 